Lil Penny is Making a Comeback

USA Today Sports – Wednesday on ESPN’s morning talk show Get Up! the Memphis basketball coach said his miniature alter ego, Lil Penny, would be appearing again. 

“Lil Penny is actually going to be coming back out soon,” Hardaway said on the show. 

Lil Penny, of course, was the star of Hardaway’s iconic Nike commercials in the 1990s, narrated by actor Chris Rock. 

“Lil Penny is getting in shape,” Hardaway added. “He’s coming back.”

I don’t watch any of ESPN’s trash so I didn’t catch this news, but luckily it came across my Twitter feed tonight as I re-watch Arrested Development for the 15th time through (only the OG episodes, I’m not into the reboot). Anyone that grew up in the heyday of the Orlando Magic with Penny Hardaway and Shaq remembers how awesome the Lil Penny marketing campaign was. We loved his commercials. We loved the shoes they were trying to sell. Hell, I even had this poster in my room. I’m pretty sure it’s rolled up and in a box somewhere at my parents’ house still.

penny who's got next poster Continue reading

Cincinnati Bengals Expected to Name Zac Taylor the 10th Head Coach in Franchise History

It’s been since 2003 that the Cincinnati Bengals conducted a head coaching search. I didn’t know what to expect this time around. Truth be told, I was terrified. Mike Brown is almost two decades older than he was the last time he made a decision like this so a lot of people were hoping the heirs to the Bengals’ control room, his daughter Katie and her husband Troy Blackburn, would be more influential in this round of hiring. I saw the situation playing out in two different ways: 1. Mike Brown sticks to his guns and tries to win “his way”, which means another decade and a half of sucking or 2. Troy and Katie Blackburn finally strong arm Mike Brown into making a smart decision and hire the best fit for the job, not just who Mike is familiar with. At the beginning of the process, if I had to bet my life on it, I would’ve said Hue Jackson or Vance Joseph would win the head coaching sweepstakes. That would’ve caused me to break just about every bone in my hand on every wall in my house. An organizational overall is needed, and based on reports coming out tonight, it looks like that’s what we’re finally getting.  Continue reading

Forget the Hair – Is Anyone Else Concerned About John Cena’s Veins?

People that know me know that I’m a big symmetry guy. I can’t stand when something is off-centered or uneven. Watching me spread cream cheese on a bagel or in a beautiful casserole dish when making Skyline Chili dip could make the Pope cuss. That’s one of the reasons I don’t work out. I’m afraid one of arms or legs will get bigger than the other one and completely ruin my life. I’d rather have a heart attack as a fat slob than know my right arm is 1/8-inch  bigger than the other… which brings me to John Cena. Continue reading

If the Bengals Hire Hue Jackson or Vance Joseph, Parting Ways With Marvin Lewis Was Pointless

At this point it feels like we’re just beating a dead horse with all of the Hue Jackson rumors. Personally, I think there’s about a 10-15% chance Hue Jackson is named the 10th head coach in Bengals history. If the season ticket holders weren’t dropping faster than bottles of hair bleach in Guy Fieri’s bathroom, I would’ve set it at a 50/50 scenario. Mike Brown likes familiarity, so Hue Jackson and Vance Joseph (former Bengals DB coach) would be “logical” choices for the next head coach, but Mike Brown is smart enough to see how much the coaching decision could hit his wallet if it doesn’t win back the fan base. Continue reading

Despite What You’re Reading Today, Marvin Lewis Did Not Endorse Hue Jackson as the Bengals New Head Coach

If you’ve been on Twitter today or paid any attention to the news coming out of Cincinnati, you were probably led to believe part of Marvin Lewis’ final day as the Cincinnati Bengals head coach was spent endorsing his buddy Hue Jackson for the position he vacated when he and Mike Brown “came to an agreement” that it was time to part ways. Continue reading

New Year’s Day Preview (Unofficially Sponsored By My Attempt To Eat a Party Sub* From Jersey Mike’s)

It’s everyone’s favorite day of the year: The day that I order a Jersey Mike’s party sub (well, they call it a box of subs) and fail miserably in eating it. I’m not a big excuse guy, but this is my third attempt and the first two were unsuccessful. Last year my New Year’s Day was spent tending to a toddler with a fever and the poor decision of ordering roast beef on a portion of the subs. You never realize how dry roast beef is until you’re trying to eat five feet of sub with it. The first year I wasn’t as fat as I am now, so again, not my fault. I’ve done everything in my power to change that for 2019, so things are looking pretty favorable.

While I’m embarking on the journey of 5-feet of delicious sandwich, there’s a lot to watch on TV. Personally, I think it’s bullshit that we have to wait until noon for the sports day to start but I guess all of the people who have lives are hungover and need the sleep and time to recover before things get started. Luckily, you have this to read until the Outback Bowl kicks off at 12:00 PM EST. Continue reading

The World Is Probably Coming to an End and I’m OK With It

That’s it. Pack it in. We had a good run here on Planet Earth. I’m just hoping the new leaders of our world don’t just kill us all at once and at least give us a glimpse at the fucked up alien communities they decide to build.

Maybe they’ll wait until after the Super Bowl. That would be pretty cool of them. Give us one last moment of happiness. Perhaps one more wardrobe malfunction. Oh, the halftime act is Maroon 5, you say? Sign me up. Nothing says “goodbye Earth” like an Adam Levine dick-slip in front of billions of people (ONLY ON CBS). Continue reading