I know this will come as a shock to a lot of people out there, but I am in fact not a distance runner. I’m not any type of runner if you can believe it. The days of anything faster than a quick walk to avoid a bathroom accident are behind me. This is why I would like to formally announce that I will not be participating in the 2018 Flying Pig Marathon.
I feel the need to say this because while watching last year’s 2016 Flying Pig Marathon on TV I thought “hey, I bet if I start training now and taking care of myself I could probably run the half marathon next year.” I don’t remember for sure, but I can almost guarantee within 3 hours of that proclamation I was next in line at the Skyline drive thru ordering four cheese coneys and a large Mountain Dew. 2017’s marathon has come and passed without my participation and I have to admit I was a little bummed as I saw everyone getting wrapped in the tin foil blankets that make you look like a nerd that just got back from space camp.
So this year I am going to get out in front of the news cycle and limit all of the haters’ ability to pop in mid March and say “so Mac, how is that marathon training going?” If I tell myself I’m not going to be healthy and start running in preparation, I won’t have to sit in my recliner in shame while I see everyone else achieve what they’ve worked all year for. I will continue to eat what I want and avoid running at all costs, just the way God intended. I’m sure the fine folks at Skyline and Taco Bell will appreciate my commitment to weight gain and a lethargic lifestyle. And, I mean, who knows… maybe I’ll be ready in 2019.