6’7” 282lbs Aaron Judge has been taking the baseball world by storm this season. He was a name tossed around during the multiple Chapman to New York trade sagas and truth be told, I didn’t really know much about him. It’s become apparent why the Yankees weren’t willing to part ways with the behemoth of a man. Through May 8th, Judge is hitting .317 and has 13 home runs. I won’t bore you with the rest of the nerd stats, but it’s clear that he’s quickly becoming one of the best power hitters in the game in his first full time season. Some people are giving him a free pass, but not me. I can see exactly what is going on here. Before you jump on me and say the steroid card is overplayed, that’s not what I’m talking about. People (me) are saying he’s not human. With the Yankees in town playing the hometown Reds, I am determined to uncover Aaron Judge for what he really is: an Alien Baseball Robot. So I did what any investigative journalist would do. I bought the cheapest ticket available online and walked around the stadium to monitor Mr. Judge’s (do you call alien robots Mr.?) every move to see if I could pinpoint what galaxy he came from.
I knew I was going to have to blend in as a regular fan if I was going to get the answers I was looking for. The first thing I did, totally just to blend in and not for any other reason was buy two Skyline cheese coneys and a massive ice cold Coca-Cola. This wasn’t easy, but I toughed it out and managed to eat the coneys by the smokestacks in right-center field before they started the pregame ceremonies. So far so good. Nobody was on to me.
Now it was time for the game to start. I tried to locate Aaron Judge during the National Anthem to see if he was doing any hand gestures or rituals that would pledge his allegiance to another galaxy rather than the United States of America (where he was sent to destroy the human race through the game of baseball in some way that I still haven’t quite figured out). I failed in my effort, partially because I was watching the singer feel herself on the jumbotron and partially because I was giving dirty looks to people talking during the anthem, one of my personal favorite pastimes.
It was crunch time. I was about to get my long awaited up close and personal look at Aaron Judge as he trotted out to right field in the bottom of the first inning. At first glance he looked like an oversized human being and nothing else. There wasn’t any action his way in the first inning, and thanks to the Reds living on ground balls to the left side and up the middle in their 5 run second inning, there wasn’t much action for Aaron. However, there were some ladies in the section next to me who were offering him some action, if you know what I’m saying, and he didn’t even flinch. This does not look good on Mr. Judge’s part if he’s trying to convince us that he’s just a regular dude that happens to hit 450ft towering home runs. I observed him cracking open tiny morsels of sustenance and ingesting them throughout the long Reds rally. I can only assume this is some sort of fuel source that doesn’t draw as much attention as unscrewing a gas cap and hauling around an oil can around the outfield. While I was gathering some good information and could observe him up close from my seat in right field, I knew I had to get closer to home plate for his next at bat to get the evidence I needed.
As Aaron Judge prepared for his second at bat of the game, I noticed something alarming. He appeared to have a foreign device attached to his bat that was super charging his weapon of choice as he waited his turn to pulverize a baseball. Shown in the picture above, you can tell he has added something to his lumber that he does not use when at the plate. This is very concerning to me and adds another tally in the Alien Robot column. I don’t have to attach an open cylinder to my pen every morning at work before I start writing out numbers and practicing my signature over and over again on scratch paper. So why would Aaron Judge need to do this before taking his turn at hitting? I suspect it is due to some sort of mechanical malfunction he was experiencing after the 18 inning marathon in Chicago Sunday night. They gave him yesterday off to “recharge his batteries” and now he’s suddenly adding an external power source to his bat to assist in his hitting abilities? These aren’t the actions of a red-blooded North American slugger like Joey Votto.
Despite my best efforts, I was unable to get any closer than a hundred feet or so from Aaron. Had I gotten the opportunity, I was prepared with a cup of water to throw on his chest to see if he started smoking and shorted out. Instead, I had to settle for watching him walk back and forth in right field to appease the scouting report and see him have a lackluster day at the plate (add a tally to the human column). When I woke up this morning I thought today would be the day I finally got the answer to a question that has been eating at me for weeks now. Is Aaron Judge an Alien Baseball Robot? Unfortunately I didn’t get the answer I was looking for. I also didn’t see anything to rule out the possibility that he’s been sent here to destroy our planet one 450ft home run at a time. Perhaps I’ll be able to find out for sure when the Yankees come back to town in October for the World Series. Until then, I’ll keep practicing my undercover routine by eating coneys when I find myself at Great American Ball Park to watch my first place Reds throughout the summer (and my living room and my parents house and an actual Skyline restaurant and my car when I know dinner is more than 2 hours away).