Like every other red-blooded American, while watching a sport on TV, I find myself wondering how I’d fare against the competition on my screen. You’re lying if you haven’t said to yourself “you know, if I didn’t have to work 40 hours a week and could spend more time at the driving range, I bet I could be pretty good at golf”.
While watching the NBA finals a few months ago, I started to day dream about how funny and out of place I’d look on the court with the incredibly tall NBA superstars in today’s game. In most situations I find myself in, I would be considered a relatively tall dude. On the NBA court I’d look like Verne Troyer in a sixth grade gym class. It’s very clear I’d have no shot at holding my own on the NBA hardwood. However, throw an extra letter in that acronym and you’re looking at the next WNBA MVP.
Before you laugh at me and call the idea of me running shit in the WNBA as a man misogynistic, let’s take a look at the facts:At 6’3″ (with thick soled shoes), I would be above average in height in the WNBA. On the 2016 WNBA Champion Los Angeles Sparks (killer name btw, even though I have no clue what it means), only two players on the roster would have been taller than me; both of them being 6’4″. We all know teams boost the height for the listed roster, so let’s call them 6’2″-6’3″. I’m already halfway to being a stud-ette in the WNBA because the main and possibly only thing holding me back from a career in the NBA was my height.
Now let’s take a look at the level of competition we’ve competed at. I think I have the edge in this category as well. I have one thing going for myself that they don’t, which is that I’ve literally only played against guys my entire life. Sorry, but those are the facts.
Being a 6’3″ dude in thick soled shoes, I had to learn to play on the outside since I was never the tallest guy on my own basketball team. Last time I checked, my height would put me in the post on a WNBA roster. You thinking what I’m thinking? Yep. Double-threat.
I’m not gonna do the math for you and get the ratios down perfectly, but if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’d be a chubby white version of Kevin Durant in the WNBA and I’m pretty sure he won an MVP once. Tell me if I’m wrong, I’ll wait.
Let’s do a random poll of WNBA players. Have you dunked a basketball? Chances are, no. I have. Point: Mac. There’s about zero chance I can still dunk a basketball, but last time I hooped it up, my layup game was on point. That’s big in the WNBA from what I can tell in my limited viewing. Last time I checked, layups are still worth two points; no sense in wearing myself out trying to dunk.
The scouting report on me would have a few concerns about my cardio. Sure, I indulge a lot of shitty food that has caused me to pack on the pounds post-basketball career. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little concerned about how I’d hang with the WNBA’s finest running up and down the court. You know what you don’t have to run for? Free throws. I have a killer pump fake that would draw so many fouls, I could probably average 25 points a night from the charity stripe alone. Mix that in with a few and-1’s and we’re talking 35-40 points without batting an eye.
Until I get my shot, it’s nothing but speculation. Maybe some day I’ll get to prove my worth on the WNBA floor, but until then, I’ll have to keep my talents on the hardwood with my fellow male counterparts. I hope someday we look back at my plight and laugh at how silly it was that men weren’t allowed in the WNBA.