NY Daily News – The Juice is out and doesn’t plan on going back.
O.J. Simpson left a Nevada prison a free man early Sunday, just minutes after he became eligible for release on parole.
Without fanfare, the 70-year-old signed his release papers and walked out to a waiting driver in a dark parking lot outside the Lovelock Correctional Center, around midnight local time, according to the state’s Department of Corrections officials.
Listen, we all knew O.J. was being released from prison soon, but did it sneak up on anyone else? Ironically, sneaking up on people in the middle of the night is O.J.’s M.O… and that’s exactly where I found myself this morning when this beautiful picture appeared all over the internet. I could sit here with my hot takes and jokes about “The Juice being loose”, which would just trigger my co-blogger DB. Instead, I’ve decided to break down this photo so it gets the credit it deserves.
- Mug Root Beer – If I’m the people at PepsiCo., I’m issuing a statement IMMEDIATELY to make the public aware that they don’t condone the actions of Mr. Simpson. Not only that, but to make the public aware that Mug Root Beer does, in fact, still exist. Most civilians looking at this picture won’t realize this is even a Mug Root Beer. But I did, and that’s why I’m here. Additionally, Mug Root Beer is my favorite of all root beer brands. Did O.J. bring Mug back into the root beer game? It’s possible, but not necessarily the hero PepsiCo. was looking for. On an unrelated note, Milliron Sports is as anti-O.J. Simpson as they come, so if Mug Root Beer would like to be the official soft drink of Milliron Sports and/or The Nati Boys Podcast, you know where to find us.
- What are those!?!?! – C’mon O.J.. You’re fresh outta the joint and those are the kicks you’re rockin’? I know you’ve been in the clink for a while and probably aren’t aware of the most recent sneakers available, but you’ve gotta do better than whatever the hell these are. Yes, you’re 70 and probably have foot and leg issues, but this is embarrassing. Your first stop on the way home should be Finish Line to salvage what little style you still have left.
- Canadian Tuxedo – This isn’t even a badass Canadian Tuxedo like P. Diddy or Jay-Z used to rock back in the day. This is a pair of Kirkland jeans from Costco and a jean jacket that looks to be two sizes too big. Is this prison issued? If so, that’s the only excuse you have. You’ve been charged with poor fashion.. if the jacket don’t fit, I can’t acquit. Oh shit.. I just realized that’s a denim hat too. Maybe there’s more swag in this outfit than I can handle.
- Lonely plant – what’s the point of this plant? Trying to liven up the conference room of a prison? That’s about as pointless as pictures on the walls at a strip club. Nobody cares and that’s the last thing a man being freed after a stint in prison is looking at.
- College dorm study lounge furniture – Are you telling me that a prison, in the same state as the lavish Las Vegas where everything is gold plated, can’t come up with better furniture than this? We need plush, velvet couches with gold arm rests and a glass table that may or may not have been used for lines of cocaine in the last few hours. This is reason enough to avoid prison in Nevada. If I’m not gonna be released in style, I don’t wanna be there.
I, for one, am excited to see O.J. Simpson back in our lives. While he’s a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to be a free man, It’s always funny to see how he’ll end up back in prison the next time around. If I’m calling my shot, I say the reason for his next incarceration is a dumb violation of his parole. O.J. seems like the guy who would disappear to Mexico for a few weeks and then act like he didn’t know he couldn’t leave the state for a week long bender at an all-inclusive Cancun resort. Maybe next time he gets released from prison, it’ll look a little classier.