How Did I Just Now Discover How Badass Shark Tank Is?

I’m not sure if it’s a rite of passage into being old and washed up or I completely missed the boat, but I found myself watching reruns of Shark Tank on CNBC the other night and I LOVED IT. How have I not been watching this shit the whole time? It has literally everything you could want in a reality show. Underdogs to root for, assholes to see crash and burn while you get some perverse satisfaction from seeing a smug prick get told off by Mark Cuban. Did you know that dude is worth 3.3 BILLION with a B dollars? That’s not just fuck-you-money. That’s fuck-you-and-all-of-your-ancestors-money. How this dude doesn’t just pull the trigger and drop $500k on every idea he sees is beyond me. I’d be a terrible Shark because I’d be throwing money around like Pacman Jones in a Vegas strip club.  

There was some dude on there trying to sell insoles for shoes. If you told me three years ago I’d be locked into the TV and yelling for my wife to come watch some ex-NFL player talk about insoles that he bought from Europe, I’d tell you you’re fucking crazy and to get outta my parent’s basement. But here we are.. I even looked this product up on Amazon and added it to my wish list. I dug the dude’s pitch, but I’m not ready to spend $29.99 on them, even with the Amazon Prime free shipping.

We had dudes that started a clothing line that legit sold three items. Jeans, white t-shirts, and blue oxford button-ups. How in the hell are you gonna make money doing that? Next thing you know, two old dudes are throwing out words I don’t even understand about stake in their company and deltas and all sorts of other shit. All I know is the dudes walked away because their pride was hurt and they wanted to have a company to pass down to their kids. Back to their hipster loft and their drawing board (which I’m assuming is just a Moleskine notebook with their local coffee shop’s sticker on it).

You can’t forget the first two ladies I saw who were selling who the fuck knows and using Walmart as their channel of distribution. Walmart already bought into these chicks, isn’t that enough? The Sharks wanted a bigger vision and more distributors for the coupon packages or whatever the hell it was.. truth be told, I had kind of zoned out during their part because I still hadn’t bought into the whole idea of Shark Tank.

Now the DVR is set and I’ll have hours of episodes to catch up on. I’m already learning some of the things I own were on Shark Tank. That sponge I got from Kroger that is a smiley face and gets super soft with hot water and stays firm with cold water? Yep, sure was.. Shark Tank tried and true.

I can’t wait to present Milliron Sports to Mark Cuban and the other old people on the show. I’m thinking they’ll drop a cool $2,000,000 right out of the gate. Until then, I’ll fall back on the DVR and figuring out how I’m gonna afford all of the new things I’ll need to buy after seeing them on the show.

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