What Will Roger Goodell Buy With All of the Bengals-Steelers Fine Money?


Cincinnati.com – The Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers racked up $63,816 in lost dollars on Friday due to an infraction by Bengals safety George Iloka and the one-game suspension of Steelers receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster.

In the grand scheme of things and with the way the game went and the sports world reacted, this doesn’t seem like much money. You’d think game checks would be getting yanked left and right with the narrative we’ve heard all week long. Was this an ugly game for all parties involved? Yeah. Was this a black eye on the league that is “trying” to clean the game up? Probably. Does Roger Goodell have a massive boner trying to decide what he’s gonna buy with this $64k? Absofuckinglutely he does.

Before you get all pissy – yes, I know he doesn’t actually get to pocket the money. Or does he? I’m too lazy to look it up right now, so lets assume he does. What kind of car should he buy? Maybe he could buy a few friends since he probably doesn’t have any? Does he have kids? That would require sex and King Goodell has about as much sex appeal as Darren Rovell after a night of trying $6 gourmet sandwiches at minor league ballparks just so he can get some cheap retweets. So maybe no kids. Again, I don’t feel like looking it up. So instead of researching anything about Roger Goodell’s life, I decided to come up with a list of a few suggestions for Ol’ Rog. 

Wrestling Ring

It’s actually scary how affordable a wrestling ring is. So much so that I’m considering buying one for my backyard. Who needs to create a makeshift squared circle with unrolled sleeping bags when you can get a professional quality ring for $5,500? With all of the leftover money, Roger could start his own wrestling promotion featuring suspended players each week. Can’t settle your differences on the field? Settle them in the ring with a title on the line! Roger might be an evil enough genius to dethrone Vince McMahon from the top of the wrestling world. Who wouldn’t want to see Vontaze Burfict vs. Rob Gronkowski in a no holds barred steel cage match? I’d pay more for that than I would for a ticket to an actual NFL game.

Green Bay Packers Stock

Goodell could buy 255 shares of Green Bay Packers stock. I’m sure there’s something in the NFL bylaws that wouldn’t allow it, but why would dickhead Roger start following the rules now? If he can keep suspending Zeke until it finally sticks, why can’t he become an owner of the only publicly owned franchise in the NFL? Plus, once he finally accepts Jerry Jones’ challenge for a duel, he’ll have something to fall back on since he can’t be commissioner anymore because Jerry said so.

Milliron Sports

Wow, what a story to be told. A small sports blog started by four friends that quickly added a podcast and four more employees (unpaid) within the first year, now owned by the most hated man in America. We could take over the world. Would I want to work for Roger Goodell? No way in hell. I can’t speak for the other seven Milliron-ites (wtf?), but I would be the worst employee Goodell has ever had to deal with, and that’s saying a lot. I’d show up late and tell him to fuck off when he got lippy with me. Would he do anything about it? No, because he knows where his bread is buttered. Without our content, his investment would just go to shit. He needs us more than we need him. But we really need his $63,816. The bills are piling up over here and you can only sell so many shirts to your friends and family before you start to question your life decisions.

It would seem to me that Roger has a few good options on his hands. One really sticks out to me as the clear winner, but I’ll let him decide. If he has a hair on his ass, there will be a check sitting in our mailbox by the end of the week.

That being said, I suspect we’ll be doing this for free for just a bit longer.

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