Mac and Whitty’s NFL Uniform Power Rankings (32-25)

Mac and Whitty have a lot of similar interests. One thing they almost universally agree on is what makes a uniform good or bad. In the spirit of the NFL Divisional Round Weekend, they decided to power rank the NFL uniforms. Each genius made their list, 32 being the worst, 1 the best. In the event of two teams’ rankings average being a tie, the city with the lowest elevation got the nod, because low man always wins. Here we go…

 

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (Mac: 32, Whitty 32)

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Mac: Embarrassing. That’s really all you can say about Jacksonville’s helmet. If they needed extra cash to finish painting their helmets, they could’ve just called the Milliron Sports office and we would’ve floated them the funds to avoid having to look at these atrocities every Sunday. Be better, Jaguars. They look like an NFL Europe reboot, which makes perfect sense now that I think about it…

Whitty: Yikes. This uniform has just about everything I hate in it. Weird number font. Partial stripe on the pants. Weird trim around the collar. And the helmet. My god, the helmet. I don’t know how anyone thought that was a good idea. I actually like the black, teal and gold color combination, and think it could look good if done right. The Jags unis are not done right.

 

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Mac: 31, Whitty 31) 

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Mac: The Bucs may have the worst number font used in all of sports. It reminds me of some of my drawings as a kid where I’d fail miserably to recreate the electronic numbers seen on scoreboards (I drew a lot of sports pictures, sue me). Pair this with the fact that their equipment manager ordered the wrong decal size for their helmet, and you’re looking at a disaster of a uniform.

Whitty: There’s not much to like here. The helmet logo is too big, I’m not a fan of the contrasting shoulder panels, the quarter-stripe at the bottom of the pants is pointless and the number font looks ugly. Extra points off for the font because it reminds me of an alarm clock, which gives me anxiety about waking up early for work. Do everyone a favor and go back to the old school creamsicle jerseys.

 

30. Seattle Seahawks (Mac: 30, Whitty: 29)

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Mac: I feel like Tony Sparano every time I watch the Seahawks because the neon green accent is just too bright for an NFL uniform. “Slap on the shades bro, the Seahawks are on SNF for the 48th time this season”. The texture of their numbers and random helmet panel also don’t belong on an NFL uniform. This is the type of stuff I’d expect out of a PAC-12 team trying to look cool and relevant for recruits at their 11:30PM ET kickoff.

Whitty: There’s a lot going on here, and most of it sucks. The neon green just looks out of place. The strange stripe pattern on the pants doesn’t make sense and the shoulder stripes aren’t much better. Another team that would benefit from dialing the clock back 20 years or so.

 

29. Cincinnati Bengals (Mac: 29, Whitty: 28)

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Mac: I’m convinced that the Bengals’ uniforms are a product of Mike Brown and the NFL going to a stoned 15-year-old kid and handing him all the XP he needed to create a uniform on an outdated version of Madden since those jerks at EA got rid of the uniform creation mode because they’re snowflakes and can’t handle a very handsome blogger in Ohio creating better uniforms than their bosses at the NFL. I am cool with the helmet, but the stripes on the shoulder and different color panels on the away uniform are enough to send me into an OCD fit of rage. Bring back the classic looks from when us Bengals fans were just happy to get six wins, because that’s the state of the team anyway.

Whitty: I love the Bengals helmets. They’re unique and classic, but that’s about the only positive part of their current uniform set. The number font looks bad, I hate the contrasting sleeve/shoulder panels (especially on the white jersey) and I don’t like the shortened pants stripe that wraps around the front. I’d love to see them go back to the uniforms from the 90’s and early 2000’s.

 

28. Arizona Cardinals (Mac: 27, Whitty: 27) 

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Mac: If we were doing rankings based on helmets alone, then Arizona would find themselves in the top 5. I don’t know why, but the plain white helmet with the simple Cardinal logo just gets me. Their white helmet seems so much cleaner and crisper than any other organization. It’s too bad the uniforms didn’t follow suit. The busy panels of alternating colors make it look like Larry Fitzgerald is sweating whiteout (Bic sponsorship in the works??) and the road uniforms get even busier. I preferred the Cardinals when they were the worst organization in football and their uniforms looked like practice jerseys.

Whitty: This uniform set has a lot of unnecessary details to make it seem more “modern”, but they should have kept it simple. I don’t like the sleeve stripe style and I’m normally not a fan of uniforms with side panels on the jersey or tapered pants stripes.  

27. Cleveland Browns via elevation tie breaker with Arizona (Mac: 24, Whitty: 30)

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Mac: Hahahahahahahaha – so let’s get this straight: a team, who’s only redeeming quality for the entire history of their franchise was the fact that they had some of the best uniforms in the NFL despite their poorly chosen color scheme, decides to do a uniform shake up and comes up with this?? El oh f’n el. The stripes, the 1996 3D number font, the “CLEVELAND” across the chest like they’re a high school team, “BROWNS” down the side of their leg like they were afraid they’d get their pants mixed up with another team’s at a slumber party. Thank you for being you, Cleveland. Never change (unless you’re going back to your old uniform look).

Whitty: Cleveland probably has the worst color scheme in the league, but for the longest time they still managed to look halfway decent thanks to a very simple, classic uniform template. They ditched the classic look in recent years in favor of something more modern, which is a major downgrade. Hate the dropshadow on the numbers. Hate the truncated pants stripe and hate the “BROWNS” wordmark down the side of the pants. If nothing else, I’d say this uniform is fittingly terrible for a terrible football team.

 

26. Atlanta Falcons (Mac: 26, Whitty: 26)

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Mac: *Copy & paste the Cardinals write-up* You can tell the Cardinals and Falcons got uniform redesigns around the same time, because they have the same fatal flaws. Too many small panels and weird lines all over the uniform. Two franchises that had solid uniforms have been ruined by the need to look cool for jersey sales. Sure, 10-year-old kids in Nebraska might be rocking a $75 Julio Jones jersey because they like the red, black, and white confetti look. But is it really worth it? Is it?

Whitty: (See “Cardinals”). Another uniform that got worse when it was “modernized”. The sleeve panel color seems a bit much, and I hate the thin, tapered pants stripe. When they switched to their current set they also updated the Falcon logo, I assume to make it look more fierce. Seems unnecessary but I don’t hate it. I could do without the rest though. 

 

25. Tennessee Titans (Mac: 28, Whitty: 23)

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Mac: Do the Titans look like a team that designed their uniforms to be cool and hip heading into the new millennium? Yes, they do. In fact, they are still playing in the same uniforms since 1999 when they made the full transition from the Houston Oilers old (fresh-to-death) jump-offs. The logo looks like a comet with a “T” slapped on the side, and the two-toned shoulders look like hot garbage if they aren’t lined up perfectly on the shoulder pads. I would recommend going back to the classic Oilers look with a reimagined Titans logo. That’s just me though, you know, the consumer (who doesn’t buy jerseys).

Whitty: I feel like I should hate these uniforms more than I actually do. I like the combination of colors that they work into the uniforms and while the font template isn’t quite as traditional as some teams, it doesn’t look bad. The thing I don’t like is the contrasting shoulder panels. I prefer a jersey that’s more or less one color (with the exception of any logos, numbers and stripes). I also can’t stand helmets that have stripes that don’t go all the way back. Overall it’s not a terrible look, but definitely could use an update.

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