Down With Burger King

I’ll set the stage for you. It was a beautiful day and I couldn’t even begin to imagine spending my lunch hour in my office.. Warm, sunny, slight breeze. Everything you want in a mid-February afternoon.

Before I get too far into the story I’ll address the elephant in the room. I know what you’re thinking, “surely someone with your highly sought after skills has an office with windows.” I do, in fact. I’m wall to wall with windows but not floor to ceiling. Something I’ll be sure to bring up when it’s time to negotiate my next contract.

After walking to my car I realized I didn’t have anything to eat for lunch, so I would just hit a drive thru on my way back from driving around town admiring the nice weather. It was too windy with the windows open so I had to settle for air conditioning inside the car rather than the lovely temperature outside. At that point I realized I wasn’t doing anything at all to enjoy the nice weather, but I was in too deep and decided to keep following the plan. After taking a few laps around the city, it was time to head back. I hit a crossroad, both literally and figuratively. Wendy’s and McDonald’s were both on the left side of the four-lane road I was driving down and would require left hand turns to head back to the office. Sure, there are intersections with lights, but no green turn arrows. So who knows how long I’d be sitting there, shoveling fries into my mouth, waiting to turn left. At that point my only two options on the right side of the road were Panera Bread and Burger King. I absolutely despise Panera Bread, plus I hate just about any restaurant that I have to get out of my car for. Burger King it is.

I don’t frequent Burger King, but I’m an equal opportunity fat guy, so today was their shot to woo me. As soon as I pull up, the fast talking salesman.. sorry, salesperson.. asks me what they could make for me today. Pretty standard in my fast food experience. That’s where the normalcy stopped. I gave up pop for Lent, so a value meal was out of the question because I’m not a strong enough person to ask for something other than Coke to drink when getting a burger. I asked for a Whopper, but apparently that wasn’t enough in the eyes of the faceless voice coming through the loudspeaker.

“You know, you can get two Whoppers for $6, right?”

Sure, I could get two Whoppers, but this is a tryout. I’ve gotta test out other menu items to see if Burger King was worthy of being tossed into the lunch rotation.

“No, thanks. Just one Whopper for today please”

I tend to be overly polite at fast food restaurants because I know there’s always a chance they are having a terrible day of people being jerks to them and I don’t want to fall victim to the result of three Jabronis before me actin’ a fool.

I pulled around to the first window and paid for my Whopper and 10 piece chicken nugget (with BBQ sauce, of course). I was the only person in the entire drive thru at 12:30, so I guess I should’ve taken that as a warning sign. I pulled up to the second window where my food was already waiting for me. Fast service. Point Burger King. When walking back to my office, I caught a few stares at my Burger King bag. It was almost like they could see something I couldn’t.

“Look at that dummy, he has no idea what’s about to happen to him.”

After sitting down and opening the burger wrapper ever so delicately, I dove in for my first bite. Not bad, but something wasn’t right. Something was missing but I couldn’t tell what it was. Did they use a different brand of ketchup than my normal hot spots Wendy’s and McDonald’s? Maybe, but that wasn’t it. Ah, it’s gotta be the tomato. Very rare in the fast foot burger game. No, that wasn’t it either. Suddenly, the alarm sirens started going off in my head.

This burger doesn’t have any cheese. What. The. Fuck.

Damn, they forgot the cheese, oh well. That sucks and will definitely count against them in my final decision on whether or not they get thrown into the rotation. Something still wasn’t sitting right. This didn’t feel like an accident at all. Was I not nice enough to the guy on the loud speaker who’s face I never saw? Did this guy even exist? Does Burger King outsource their drive thru guys? Luckily, the internet exists and I hopped on a little thing I call Google.

As it turns out, a Whopper doesn’t come with cheese. What kind of penny pinching bullshit is that? Your signature menu item doesn’t come with the one staple found on every single burger around town? It’s no wonder nobody likes you and would rather turn left without a green turn arrow when deciding where to go for lunch. Sure, I could ask for cheese, but it’s the principle. Should I have to ask for my Spicy Chicken Sandwich at Wendy’s to be “spicy”? No. It’s assumed. When you’re ordering a signature burger at a fast food restaurant that has somehow remained open in spite of itself, you should trust that cheese is included.

“Yes, mister car dealer man, I’d like to purchase a car. Steering wheel? No thank you. I’ll be fine without.” Doesn’t make sense does it?

I couldn’t even finish the burger. It tasted fine, but I was afraid someone would walk into my office and see me taking a bite out of a burger without cheese. I’d honestly rather get caught looking at furry fan fiction starring the cast of Girls than be seen eating a burger without cheese. Lucky for Burger King, the chicken nuggets were fine and at a price that you can’t beat.

However, I cannot with a clear conscious ever eat at Burger King again. Not with their bait and switch sales techniques. If the powers that be want a signature menu item without cheese, you should at least follow up with “would you like cheese on that?” when an obvious newcomer is rolling through your drive thru in a luxurious, reasonably priced sedan. I felt like I had the wool pulled over my eyes and they’ll never regain my trust.

I hate to do it Burger King, but:


2 thoughts on “Down With Burger King

  1. Pingback: I Think Someone at Arby’s is Trying to Poison Me | Milliron Sports

  2. Pingback: I Will Not Dip My Hamburger in Ketchup Like Andy Warhol | Milliron Sports

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