Today started out like any ordinary Wednesday. I hit my snooze button repeatedly on my Apple Watch before tossing on my L.L. Bean house slippers on my way to the bathroom. Should I take a nice relaxing bath to start the day or the standard 35-minute shower? It felt like a shower kinda day, so who was I to argue? It’s clear I’m a man of fine taste with a refined palate, so it was obvious what I was getting for dinner a short twelve hours later. Arby’s.
Who doesn’t love a big sloppy Beef ‘n Cheddar with a side of curly fries? Hell, I was feeling good so I even threw on an order of cheese sticks for the trek home. I had my night planned out: I was going to go home, destroy my feast from Arby’s, finish watching Monday Night Raw on the DVR and even clear out Smackdown Live if I could stay awake. Who knows, maybe even a little Goldberg’s action if I wasn’t ready to go to bed. Man, oh man was I in for a surprise.
Don’t get me wrong. The food was delicious and I ate every last bit of those curly fries and Beef ‘n Cheddar. It was what I had to drink that threw me off my game. About halfway through my Beef ‘n Cheddar I was feeling a little parched. Need I remind you I ate six mozzarella sticks on the way home? I took a big drink of my 32oz Pepsi that I ordered as part of my very reasonably priced Beef ‘n Cheddar meal but immediately knew something was off. Did they unintentionally give me Diet Pepsi? Nah, I’ve accidentally drank one of those before and it didn’t taste like that. Ah, I know. Maybe they started to fill my cup with something else and then remembered I ordered Pepsi and didn’t dump out what they had already pumped out of the machine. I mean, it is 2018 and we’ve very environmentally conscious. I don’t want food or drink to go to waste while there are children starving in Detroit so I wouldn’t have raised a stink about that. But that wasn’t it either. There was something serious going on here. I think someone at Arby’s is trying to poison me.
Now I know what you’re all probably saying. “You’re crazy, Mac. Why would anyone want to poison a blogger in his post-late twenties that has never wronged the King of Roast Beef?” It may be worth mentioning that I wrote a rather strong hit piece on Burger King two weeks ago. Why would that matter? Arby’s and Burger King aren’t even owned by the same people. Well, they may not be owned by the same people but they are all part of the fast food fraternity. The FFF as we often call it. If I could do that much damage to Burger King over something a simple as a slice of cheese, what could I do to Arby’s if their food didn’t meet my expectations? It was too much for them to risk. Rather than letting me enjoy my meal and go about my evening, they felt it was best to poison me and not let me spread the word of my pleasure or displeasure afterwards. Not today buddy… The second I tasted that Pepsi, I knew they were after me. Luckily, I had two lime flavored La Croix sparkling waters in my fridge to quench my thirst. They weren’t gonna take me out that easily.
I know exactly who did it too. If anyone has listened to the podcasts or read previous tweets/blogs of mine, they know I’ve been known to feud with fast food mascots. Don’t even get me started on that little brat at Wendy’s. Yeah your spicy chicken sandwiches might be the shit, but it’s no excuse for your judgy eyes and perfectly symmetrical pigtails staring down on me as I crush sandwich #2. But that’s not why we’re here. It had to have been this guy:
I don’t want to give all oven mitts a bad wrap. I’m homeboys with the little glove from Hamburger Helper because he provides a great alternative to boring dinners when you’re trying to figure out what to do with a pound of ground beef you’ve had in your freezer for weeks. But this guy is clearly guilty as fuck. I’ve blacked out his eyes because I didn’t want to be held responsible for anyone’s soul being sucked right out of them as they read this during their bathroom break (potty-time, if you will).
If I live to see tomorrow, this may have been all for nothing. Or maybe I sniffed out their attempt just in time. Nobody can know for sure. One thing I can tell you is: I’ll be passing on the drink next time I’m craving some curly fries.
UPDATE: It’s 7:30am on Thursday morning and I’m still alive. I’m starting to think I was just going crazy last night and their fountain drink machine was just malfunctioning.