Official Statement: I Can’t Decide if I Like Chick-fil-A Sauce or Polynesian Sauce Better

I realize this is a cruel thing to post on a Sunday when you can’t run straight to Chick-fil-A after reading, laughing, re-reading, retweeting and telling thousands of your closest friends to read this blog. May I suggest Skyline if you’re blessed enough to live near a location? Me, I just need the two Skyline locations in my life: the one in my hometown and the one by work. I know they’ll treat me right and I don’t need to whore myself to other Skylines when I know the same people will give me the same great coneys every time I roll up in the drive thru with my $15 in hand.

Anyway, let’s not get off topic. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here because I found something out last night that I never thought was possible. My love for Chick-fil-A sauce is being challenged by something very close to the famous sauce itself. You know what they always say… keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Well, in this case apparently keeping your enemies closer didn’t help because I saw the Chick-fil-A employee (who was lovely, by the way) grab the Polynesian Sauce from the bin directly next to the Chick-fil-A Sauce. That’s right folks, I can’t decide which one I like better for my waffle fries and spicy chicken sandwich (cheese only, of course). For years, ok… ‘a year’ (I never got into Chick-fil-A until recently because I was never near one on non-Sundays and always prided myself as a Cane’s and Popeyes guy), I’ve eaten my Chick-fil-A meals exclusively with Chick-fil-A Sauce because I consider myself an O.G. in the fast food game, so it was only natural that I respected the game and went with what made those cows with poor grammar and spelling so famous. “Eat mor chikin”? Don’t mind if I do. That’s why I always order a 12-piece nugget to accompany my spicy chicken sandwich meal. They should’ve said “reekwest mor soss” too, because fellas (and ladies)… that’s what I do after I keep ordering food as the polite drive thru worker asks “will that be all for you today?”

Last night I was feeling a little saucy (pun very much intended) after watching the first slate of Second Round NCAA games and I was flying high because the guy taking my order said he liked my t-shirt. He didn’t say it was slimming, which is problematic, but I was happy with the compliment nonetheless. He probably just thought it and didn’t want to say it to make things weird. Or, did he think I looked fat and was like “nice shirt, too bad it’s being wasted on a fat ass with a wack ass beard that looks like he can’t decide if he’s going for a hipster chic or homeless look”? I guess we’ll never know unless someone calls his manager on Monday and asks to set up a interrogation meeting to see what his thoughts really were about my shirt. Editor’s Note: If anyone is requesting Mac as a podcast guest or other blogging needs, he’s booked Monday from 1-5:30pm.

Anyway, back to it. I ordered my standard spicy chicken sandwich meal (waffle fries and Coke, of course) and my 12-piece nugget. Since I ordered two items that could justify a sauce request, I went with Chick-fil-A Sauce and Polynesian Sauce. I know, I know.. crazy right? Sure, I was a little curious but I also just wanted to rule out the idea that maybe there was something else out there to accompany my delicious nuggets I planned to devour in 45seconds-flat as I yelled at my TV about underdog teams getting screwed by the refs. I don’t usually like to make special request and ask for extra sauces because I know how budgets work and if every person that went to Chick-fil-A asked for extra sauces and more napkins those poor cows wouldn’t have enough money in the budget for paint and billboard space. It’s already clear they don’t have money in the budget for an English class at the adult cow learning center, so I’m not planning on depriving them of their painting passion.

I kept switching back and forth between the Chick-fil-A and Polynesian Sauce and couldn’t decide which one I liked better. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror for 15 minutes, just staring at myself because I didn’t know what I had become. Was I the type of asshole that was going to start ordering weird sauces when Chick-fil-A Sauce was the clear worldwide favorite that has made them what they were in the fast food chicken industry? One thing was clear, I was more confused than the first time the first sixteen times I watched Ocean’s Eleven. Truth be told, I still can’t figure that one out. I know they’re robbing the casino, but when is it actually taking place? Are Brad Pitt and George Clooney giving the recap of a robbery they completed before the night that it appears to take place? Or are they narrating it as it goes on? How did they pull it off? I guess I know what I’m watching tonight after the NCAA games wrap up around 1am.

Back to the sauces. Was this a case of me being wooed by the new, sexy sauce that I’ve never had before after Chick-fil-A sauce had been there through all the tough times? I don’t want to think I’m that type of guy but now I don’t know. This has me re-thinking everything. Will I let Burger King have another shot? Fuck no, I’m not that confused about myself right now, but I still want to know what else is out there that I’ve been missing out on. I don’t want to think I’m the type of guy that will throw Chick-fil-A Sauce to the curb now that some delicious Polynesian shows up. Maybe Chick-fil-A Sauce will be ok with an open sauce relationship? It’s 2018 so anything is possible I suppose. I think there’s only way I can settle this internal struggle in the Gut of Mac.

I need to eat Chick-fil-A at least ten more times over the next month to see if the glitz and glamour of the fresh new sauce in my life still has the same intrigue and mysterious demeanor that makes me question everything I thought I knew. But not today.. stupid Sundays. Off to Skyline.

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