I’m Doing My Best to Look Like Braun Strowman but It’s Not Working

braun strowmanFightful.com – “When I’m not flipping ambulances I’m in the gym stacking plates and banging weights. I eat 15,000 calories a day just to be able to feed the monster. It takes a lot to run almost a 400 pound frame. As far as training goes, sometimes I just go out into the woods and I beat trees down with my bare hands.”

“It’s my guilty pleasure, even though I’m trying to get Chipotle to sponsor me, because I spend $150 a week in there. It’s $25 dollars for every bowl. It’s three scoops of steak, two scoops of chicken, double guacamole, cheese, sour cream, and corn.”

***

That, my friends, is a lot of food. Many of you are probably well aware #MacsConeyChallenge. I’m currently at 132 coneys of the 400 I promised to eat before 2018 is over. I can pack away some food, and it turns out I’m in great company. According to Fightful.com, who did the noble work of transcribing interviews Braun did with the New York Stock Exchange and Between The Ropes, The Monster Among Us destroys Chipotle 6 days as week to help keep up his 6’8″ 385lbs bod. Each bowl is $25 and contains enough meat to feed a small family.

I’m no stranger to double-meat at Chipotle. The trick is to just say you want steak at first, then add on a scoop of chicken. That way they don’t dick you over and skimp on the scoops knowing you’re getting double-meat. They’ve shown their hand and they’d be total dicks if they shortchanged you on the chicken after they gave you heaping pile of steak. Keep that one in your back pocket for the next time you find yourself craving some Mexican fare.

As I read the articles and listened to the interviews, I found myself asking what I was doing wrong. I eat like a maniac. Maybe not quite as maniacal as Brauny Bear (That’s what I’m gonna call him until I see him in person, at which point I’ll switch to “sir”), but you’d be crazy if you didn’t think I treated every single day like it was my last meal before getting strapped in the electric chair. Maybe I need to start hammering on some trees in the woods. I don’t have any mature trees in my yard anymore (shout out Emerald Ash Borers that swept through my neighborhood a few years before we bought the house), so I might be out of luck. I don’t think the fine folks at the Parks Department will appreciate me peppering their trees with fists of fury. Plus I don’t really like going to the hospital.

Enough about assaulting trees, let’s get back to the food. I wish I had a job that could justify this type of order at Chipotle. When I go through a drive thru and feel like I ordered too much food, I feel bad and order a second drink to make them think I just ordered for two people. True story, and Whitty knows what I’m talking about. He’s a fellow-two-drink-orderer himself. Going through the line and ordering a burrito bowl with that much in it would make me feel like a major prick and I’d develop a complex that the pipsqueak (that’s what Braun and I call 2,000 calorie a day assholes) was judging me the whole time. If a guy like Braun does it, people write articles about it because it’s cool to eat that much. I’m not the type of guy that would write an article about someone else’s eating habits, but you know the type.

While Braun and I both appreciate setting personal records on the calorie counter, I don’t think we’ll be mistaken for one another anytime soon. Mostly because his beard is a lot longer than mine, but also because of the whole working out thing.

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