Does This Look Like the Face of a Guy Who Stole a Website Idea and Is Now Crapping His Pants on Capitol Hill?

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Let’s just get this out in the open right now. I hate Facebook. Hate hate hate hate it. I have an account, but I only get on when they send me the “hey idiot, you have 74 pending notifications and have been tagged in 43 pictures” email once every couple of months. Truth be told, if I wasn’t worried about losing contact with family and friends that have moved away from Cincinnati, I’d probably scrap my account all together.

Facebook was cool back when it was only available at certain colleges. Did I feel like a bad ass when Ohio University was added to Facebook and other shithead and poser schools weren’t approved yet? God damn right I did. There was nothing better than editing someone’s wall to make it look like one of your other friends said or did something embarrassing. Want a private group only certain people on your dorm’s floor can join as a memento of something funny that happened at 3am on a random Wednesday? Well “I remember when Jack pissed his pants after too much Southern Comfort” was a group ready to spit out invites to anyone who was there. If you don’t understand anything I just said in the last paragraph, no I won’t buy you beer for your senior prom. 

I shifted on Facebook long before Michael Cera Jesse Eisenberg  stole the idea from the split-screened Army Hammers. Was it a great movie with some high quality Justin Timberlake acting? Sure. I’m not here to dispute that. It was things like Farmville that ended it for me. Even Justin Timberlake couldn’t save that shit show. I don’t want to water your crops, and I sure as hell don’t want to ask friends to sign up for your stupid game just so I can get extra coins that will let me buy extra lives on some generic Frogger reboot. Now that I’m hearing all of the shitty stuff Facebook has been doing this whole time, I’m glad I bailed on the ol’ F-book faster than your roommate’s creepy friend could poke you just seconds after you accepted their friend request. You know, the type of friend request you would let linger for a few weeks until you forgot about it, just to be reminded via email that you had pending notifications.

From what I’ve gathered so far, most of our information that was stolen and tracked from Facebook has been used for targeted ads and posts, which isn’t shocking. Other websites do it, but I don’t think it was expected from Facebook. Most people just wanted to hop on there, ‘like’ a few photos, creep on the hot chick from your accounting class, water your aunt’s crops and call it a night. Little did they know every message you sent, post you liked, and articles you clicked on were being tracked and weaponized.  I don’t know why people are surprised by this. I will literally be having a conversation with someone about buying an extra long HDMI cord for TV #4 in my office and the next time I hop on my phone, there will be Amazon ads for HDMI cords on Safari.

Nobody should’ve trusted Zuckerberg from the start. You see, there are a few things that make someone untrustworthy in my eyes. The list includes, but not limited to: people who don’t like dogs, people who don’t have cable, people who don’t like Forrest Gump, and most importantly… short people.

Right or wrong, I just can’t trust short men. My cut-off is usually 5’10”. If you grew up as the shortest kid in your class, or have always been a head shorter than everyone else, you’re probably going to be a conniving little asshole because you started life in an 0-2 count. It’s not your fault. Just try to be better taller in your next life.

No man who needs a booster seat should’ve been trusted with all of our information. How embarrassing is that? Not only did he have a jacked up hair cut, someone had to lift him up and make sure he was comfy in his booster seat before he had to answer questions from Senators as his balls crawled back into his body. This is a bad look if you’re trying to stay credible throughout the entire process, even worse if you’re trying to distract from the world that you’re wearing a poopy filled diaper because you’re about to become Pharma Bro’s cellmate.

Will Zuckerberg eventually go to jail? I doubt it. He’s got too much money and if he has the right people around him, I’m sure there’s some wording in the User Agreement that absolves him completely from the whole situation. Who knew some internet nerd from Harvard would need a fall-guy like Cris Carter in the 90s.

I just like to picture a world where the sequel to The Social Network is headlined by Jesse Eisenberg with teardrop tattoos and a baby mama that has to borrow gas money to make it to visiting hours. Until he’s cleared of any wrongdoing or punishable acts, I’ll live my life hoping for a world where this is possible. If that never happens, at least I’ll know I can find solace in the fact I was in the “Skyline is Better Than Gold Star” fan group back when Facebook mattered.

xoxo, GossipMac



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