I’ve Found Cincinnati’s Next Sport to Break Our Hearts

I’m not gonna lie, things aren’t going so hot in Cincinnati and surrounding cities in the sports world. The Cincinnati-North Blue Jackets just blew what looked like their first NHL playoff series win and the Bengals are coming off of a 7-9 season that was so bad/boring I can’t even recall a single moment from any of the 16 games. Wait, nevermind, I just remembered AJ Green making Jalen Ramsey his bitch in Jacksonville. Ok, other than that, I can’t really remember anything from last season. Even the Reds are living down to expectations and making the dog days of summer come early. I still find myself watching them every night, but I wish I wish I had a team that was playing for something. 

Is it time for Cincinnati to get a new sports franchise? A lot of people who weren’t good enough to make their high school’s football team think the next franchise should be an MLS team. FC Cincinnati does a good job of selling very cheap tickets to families and students on a college campus, but it’s hard to see it translate to a stadium downtown with more than double-the-price tickets. I’m not here to trash soccer and tell you an MLS franchise will be a bust in Cincinnati, but the MLS model and their stadium demands will out-price itself in Cincinnati faster than you can say Fussball.

Since it can’t be soccer and we’ll never get an NBA team in Cincinnati because of the proximity of Indianapolis and Cleveland, it looks like we’ll need to get a little more obscure with our new sports. Enter stilt racing:

Tell me you wouldn’t love to get drunk on some Rhinegeist and watch people run relays on stilts. Is this not more entertaining than watching the Bengals lose to the Titans in November? Think of all the possibilities. You can go a few different ways with what you’re rooting for. It would be incredible to see a relay team run a flawless race on stilts, or you could go the route I find more intriguing, rooting for pure chaos.

I’m not saying I’d go out of my way to ruin someone’s race and intentionally harm them, but it’d be a real shame if someone spilled something that made the track a little to slick to navigate on stilts. Think of the personalities we could develop in the game. People crazy enough to race on stilts would probably give the best post-race interviews. Partly because they just completed a death defying race, and partly because we’re not gonna drug test in the stilt racing league. If you’re willing to risk face planting on a track from a modified broomstick with foot holders in front of 100,000 screaming fans, you can do whatever drugs you need to get in the right mindset. I’m thinking we even branch out to other track and field events on stilts. Would you watch a long jump competition on stilts? Of course you would, who wouldn’t? Holy shit, how awesome would discus and hammer throw be? Ok I need to calm down, I’m getting to wound up over my fantasy land sport.

It seems like a great idea and all, but then I remember we’re from Cincinnati and whatever team we assemble to race on stilts and chuck a javelin while standing on a set of broomsticks will just break our hearts and shit on our souls as soon as they get the chance.

Time to find another new-new sport I guess.

PS- I just remembered the Bearcats blew a 22-point lead in the NCAA Tournament, which was set up perfectly for them to make a run to the Final Four. Fuck.


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