No Ballpark Can Contain Bryce Harper

Bryce Harper crushed a home run last night and the internet is losing it’s collective mind. I’ve never been much of a fan of Statcast or Bryce Harper, but I’m a big fan of page views so I feel that it’s my duty to blog about it. Very noble of me, if we’re being honest.

First of all, I find Statcast to be a bunch of lying nerds that are just making up numbers to hang out with the cool kids who like sports. Ok Dilbert, thanks for the exit velocity on Scott Schebler’s third inning pop out to the center fielder. You made the game that much more enjoyable for me knowing that his lazy fly ball to Albert Almora Jr. clocked in at 94.6 MPH. Wow, you mean to tell me Billy Hamilton’s sprint to first base on a ground-out was 3.7 seconds? Coooooooooool. Maybe that stuff will start counting for “points” in the millennials’ new version of baseball,  but until then: I *CLAPPING HANDS EMOJI* DON’T *CLAPPING HANDS EMOJI* GIVE *CLAPPING HANDS EMOJI* A *CLAPPING HANDS EMOJI* FUCK

Believe it or not, I’ve also never really been a big fan of Bryce Harper. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s a hell of a ballplayer, but he’s always rubbed me the wrong way. Is that my problem? Probably, but let’s just act like he’s the one that’s wrong and I’m a perfect judge of character. As he’s gotten older, he’s become more bearable and I don’t find myself hating him as much, but I’m a stubborn man and it will take a lot for me to hop fully aboard the Harper Train unless he becomes a Red, which we all know will never happen for a few reasons: 1. Harper doesn’t have a dog named “Great American Ball Park”, his dog’s name is Wrigley. 2. The Reds don’t have the payroll available because they can’t sell tickets because they can’t put a winning team on the field, a classic Catch-22.

Things like this on Friday night make me wish he’d be a Red someday, though.

When he hit an absolute bomb against the Meek Mill Phillies, I had to take off the Harper Hater Shades and enjoy how much he absolutely demolished that ball. Did the cover even stay on it? I like to imagine the ball fell apart like when Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez ruined a day full of baseball in Sandlot.

It doesn’t appear that this was the case on Friday night, but a guy can hope, right? Not to mention, I have a hard time believing that is even possible, but it was in a movie so who am I to argue?

Thanks to some nerds, we know exactly how far that ball went, which was a record since they started recording such things in 2015.

I may be a homer, but I think Joey Votto could hit one 474 ft if he really wanted to, but we know Joey’s not the kinda guy that toots his own horn over how long a home run was. Last time I checked, the run counts the same regardless of how far the ball went (again, for now.. until the millennials get their way). The Prime Minister of Cincinnati will continue to do what he does and we’ll let Bryce do what he does in Washington, until it’s New York (or Chicago).

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