I Can Eat Watermelon Faster Than This Cheating Jerk

There’s so much to process here. First of all, what is going on with that ring situation? Who wears a ring on their middle finger? Also, where’s her ring? Is she single? After looking further into this guy’s motives, I think that was all part of his plan. We call that misdirection in the magic biz, but I’m not a magician so I’ll let the experts handle that. Secondly, I didn’t know there was such a thing as speed eating watermelon. Had I known that, I feel like my life would be different at this point. I’ve never seen this in the states, so maybe it just hasn’t caught on and they’re waiting on their watermelon savior? We found Yao Ming in China to play basketball in the U.S., so I’m not sure why I can’t be the Yao Ming of watermelon eating in a Trading Places reboot. I’m not trying to brag or be one of those guys, but nobody eats watermelon faster than me. You can say the same thing about cantaloupe and honeydew. One time my wife left me home by myself on a Saturday after she did the grocery shopping, and I ate an entire cantaloupe and half of a watermelon during an episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I’m not proud of this (yes I am) and it did unspeakable things to the ‘ol digestive tract that I had no idea happened when you overindulge in melons of all sorts.  Hand in the air, that was my bad, but not only did I learn a valuable bathroom lesson, I also discovered nobody could touch my prowess in the melon game.  

After watching this video no fewer than 25 times, and I’m embarrassed to admit it, I finally realized the guy is a cheating fuck. How dare he? People like myself have spent years minutes building our reputations as respectable speed melon eaters, and this guy makes a mockery of it just to go viral on Reddit?

gonna be a no for me dog

This guy has no respect for the game and I am officially challenging him to a watermelon eating showdown. I bet he doesn’t have the balls to face me like a man though. He had to cheat to beat his innocent challenger/girlfriend/random stranger.

Maybe someday we’ll be able to recover from this in the watermelon speed eating community. If not, I guess not much else will change in my life. I didn’t even know this subculture existed ten minutes ago, but I’d be lying if I haven’t pictured myself living it up in somewhere in Asia as the King of Watermelon.

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