Rhys Hoskins’ Helmet is Out of Control

I’ll be honest- I don’t watch a lot of Phillies games. Hand in the air, I’m man enough to admit that. I’ll never get over what they did to my 2010 Reds. Whether it’s the Roy Halladay (RIP) no-hitter or the Jay Bruce error fiasco triggered by the white rally towels, there’s a lot about that 2010 National League Divisional Series I don’t want to relive. Even today, as I ordered a cheese steak from Jersey Mike’s, I called it a “Number-17” instead of uttering the name of the city that made the cheese steak famous. It’s a delicious sandwich and I’m fatter than I am proud. I’ll never stop eating cheese steaks, that’s a promise, but that doesn’t mean I have to pay homage to their city every time I want to eat one. But we’re not here for cheese steak slander. Check out next weeks’ soccer blog for that. 

Man, that’s painful.

So as I sit here watching the Nationals and Phillies on Sunday Night Baseball with still fresh wounds and a belly fully of cheese steak, I found something else just as troubling as Chase Utley’s soul patch. Philadelphia’s equipment budget must be paper thin because Rhys Hoskins’ helmet is pulling double duty.


What a specimen. Why not just wear a dirt bike helmet? You could even get fancy with the flip down visors. What’s more intimidating than Biker Rhys showing up to the plate looking like he’s there to do two things: bang your girlfriend and smoke a fastball in to the upper deck.. and he just left your girl’s house.

I don’t mean to be an old man yelling at the clouds, but I’m not 100% on board with all of the modified equipment hitters are coming up to the plate with. I get the small elbow pads and shin guards to protect themselves, but Barry Bonds started a dangerous trend (along with the steroids) when he was coming to the plate looking like half of a robot there to see four straight balls and trot his size 8 3/4″ head down to first base. I get the need for some guys to have the extra plate (it’s called a C-Flap, apparently) when they’ve already been the victim of a high and tight fastball rearranging their teeth. Hell, I’m probably even ok with it if you’re just a big sissy-boy and don’t have the reflexes to get out of the way of a 98MPH fastball like me. I just have a problem with Rhys’ name need to show off and remind everyone he’s a switch hitter. Why not have two helmets like just about every other switch hitter? Sure, some guys rock the double flaps, but they’re also not wearing the C-Flap, making their helmet look like a Shredder prototype that never got put into circulation during his years of leading the Foot Clan. We get it dude, you’re a switch hitter. It was the only way you were able to break into your high school team’s lineup. We all know that guy.*

All I’m saying is Rhys Hoskins needs to consider changing the spelling of his name to Reese going to the two-helmet set up. I can’t imagine the double C-Flap look is comfortable and it seems like a disaster waiting to happen if he likes to pack a hammer (not a sex thing) while at the plate. Reward yourself buddy. We can all see what you make this season. Even if the Phillies are being cheap and won’t buy you a second helmet, you can swing by Modell’s on the way to the ballpark so you don’t look like such a goober at the plate.

At this point, you have two choices: switch to a second helmet, or go full dirt bike. Actually three choices. You could also apologize for what your organization did to me eight years ago.

*EDITOR’S NOTE: I just realized Rhys Hoskins isn’t even a switch hitter and is returning from a broken jaw. Like I said, I don’t watch many Phillies games. Either way, a broken heart is worse than a broken jaw, so I’m still in the right here. Like anyone’s reading this anyway…

One thought on “Rhys Hoskins’ Helmet is Out of Control

  1. Pingback: Who Will Have Their Swing and Second-Half of the Season Ruined by the Home Run Derby Tonight? My Predictions | Milliron Sports

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