The Lakers Land LeBron, America Loses

This isn’t even about basketball. We can hate LeBron regardless of the city he’s playing in. As a Cincinnati guy, it was just really convenient that he happened to play in a city I can’t stand. Whether it was anointing himself the King, playing with an almost-broken hand, flopping his way into an and-1, or hunkering down in a “Decision Cave” to decide where he’d play this season, I’ve always had plenty of reasons to not like the Kid From Akron (another nickname he gave himself).

Now that LeBron is in LA, there’s one thing that is certain. No, not a championship. The Warriors and the rest of the Western Conference are still stacked. This means more movie roles and most likely Space Jam 2, which should never be remade. You wouldn’t expect another NBA big man to remake Kazaam so why in the fuck are we gonna let LeBron ruin Space Jam’s legacy? It’s unacceptable and I won’t stand for it.

stephen a smith

Did he make me laugh a few times during Trainwreck? Yes, but I think it was because Amy Schumer is insufferable and sucked the funny out of the movie, making LeBron and the rest of the cast substantially funnier than they appeared (similar to the Ugly Friend Effect).

ugly friend effect

LeBron is a terrible actor, often demonstrated by his heinous flops we’re forced to watch throughout the NBA season.  Do they result in a lot of free throws? Of course, but you don’t win Oscars based on free throw attempts. Otherwise James Harden would have more hardware in his trophy case to accompany his 2018 MVP Award. Can you imagine a world where Tom Hanks and LeBron James are going head to head at the Oscars? That’s not a world I wanna live in, and thankfully I don’t think we’ll have to.

I hate-watch the playoffs every year hoping LeBron gets bounced, which unfortunately never happens until he faces the Warriors in the NBA Finals. I don’t think I can bring myself to hate watch all of his movies too; especially if there aren’t any Oscars on the line. Are there certain movies I’ll watch if he just happens to be in them? I can’t say, but I’m a weak man, so if a favorite of mine just happens to be the leading man (or woman.. because equality), I guess I’ll have no other choice than to watch a bootleg copy at 3am surrounded by empty cans of Monster and Diet Dr. Pepper. Probably some empty containers from Skyline too. Man, can I paint a perfect picture of what my life has become..

I can’t predict the future so I don’t know when it will be, but I would like to take this opportunity to formally invite everyone to an ORIGINAL Space Jam viewing on the night of LeBron’s Space Jam 2 release. Good luck paying for private school for your kids without my $13.25, LeBron. Maybe you’ll think twice next time you are a free agent and are considering the Pistons so you can be Motown’s next big star. Remember, free throws don’t win Grammy’s and I refuse to buy one of your records.

 

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