Alabama Fan Shows Restraint; Avoids Killing Everyone at His Wedding

Congratulations to the newest married couple down south. All this poor guy wanted to do was get drunk with his buddies, say “I do” without falling over or pissing himself and eat some Alabama cake. Roll Damn Pie. I couldn’t think of a play on the word ‘cake’. That’s on me and for that, I apologize. 

Little did Bubba know, he was about to get bamboozled by his (I’m assuming) LSU-fan bride. Couldn’t she just let her husband have his cake? It’s bad enough she’s gonna make him go shopping for coffee tables during an early Bama game when LSU is slated for the late game. That’s grounds for divorce in SEC Country. This marriage was set up for failure before he even got a chance to tell his groomsmen how much he loves them as he pukes out of the back of a party bus window en route to the hotel bar. That’s not what the bride’s dad paid for. A lot of overtime pay at Tire Discounters went into this wedding and I’ll be damned if a yellow and purple cake derails the fucking party.

I think we all know this obnoxious couple. They have rival favorite teams in the sport they love, and they use every chance they get to remind us *cough* Jefe *cough*. I’m not sure which EPL team Whitty’s wife likes, so I don’t know if there’s a futbol rivalry to speak of. I bet one of the newlyweds’ gifts from their “friends” is a yard sign that has an LSU and Alabama logo that says “A House Divided” below it. Makes me wanna puke.

Oh well. Good luck to the happy couple, I guess. Enjoy your marriage while it lasts. I have a feeling you’ll be looking for divorce lawyers after November 3rd.

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