There Are Nasty Rumors About Me Being Spread, and I’d Like to Address Them

If you listened to last week’s Nati Boys episode, you know by now that I wasn’t part of the podcast ensemble because of a lovely beach vacation with my beautiful family. Chances are you stopped listening after that news was delivered within the first few minutes of the show and I can’t really blame you. Nobody wants to listen to a podcast hosted by a soccer fan, a Laker fan and Melissa McCarthy’s stunt double. 

If you kept listening, God bless you. I don’t know if they give out Purple Hearts for listening to terrible and downright hurtful podcasts, but if they do, you deserve one. I’m sure you were just as appalled as I was when you heard the things that were being said about me and my Skyline Coney Challenge. A challenge that many are calling heroic, inspirational, and giving people something to live for in an otherwise trying 2018.

The fact that Whitty would even begin to spew disgusting facts about me and my heroic coney challenge speaks to the soccer loving man he’s become. Pre-EPL Whitty would’ve never done this. The elitist attitude soccer fans have is getting out of control, and it appears to have claimed our quaint little podcast family as it’s next victim. I don’t even want to give it merit, but Whitty questioned the integrity of my coneys consumed and stated that he believed a percentage of my coneys have come from Skyline’s little brother that still pisses the bed, Gold Star Chili.

Despite the fact that I know deep in my clogged heart that his slanderous statements would not hold up in a court of coney law, I wanted to set the record straight for all of my loyal coney enthusiasts that have been following along. The last Gold Star cheese coney I ate was December 4, 2016. How do I know this? It’s because I was forced and it’s haunted me ever since the day it happened.

I was at the Cincinnati Bengals vs. Philadelphia Eagles game, compliments of Jefe. Our seats were adequate, not great. Lower bowl, endzone. Can’t complain. The day started off with some heavy tailgating. I know most of you think this is a weight joke about Jefe, but I would never do such a thing. That’s just not my style and I would never try for cheap laughs because he happens to enjoy a few extra chicken wings from time to time. As I consumed many Miller Lites and ate sunflower seeds, I knew I was setting myself up for disaster. Should I have eaten breakfast before the drinking began? Probably. I should’ve said ‘yes’ when a very nice young lady from the next tailgate over offered us some Jersey Mike’s subs they had left over. Hindsight is 20/20 when I’m wearing my contacts, but Tailgate Mac didn’t want to waste room on a delicious #8 (the sandwich number, not the girl). Sandwiches = less room for beer. Write that down.

I figured I’d just get a soft pretzel once we were inside the stadium, but as you may expect, the lines for soft pretzels can get kinda long considering they’re the best stadium snack to get when there’s no LaRosa’s or Skyline booths. What was a guy to do when he needed to fill his belly, which had recently been drained after a 15 minute wait for a urinal? The second half was about to start and I didn’t want to miss the remainder of the ass-waxing the Bengals were performing on the Eagles. I did the only thing I could. I got two cheese coneys. From Gold Star.

shocked face

I’m not proud of my actions, and if I could go back in time, I’d just wait in the soft pretzel line like a man. You can’t change the past, you can only learn from it.

I wouldn’t typically admit to such heinous acts, but because my hand was forced by Whitty and his slanderous remarks I felt I had no choice. Please note that this game was held in 2016, a full year before the Coney Challenge began on January 1, 2018. Hell, Milliron Sports didn’t even exist back then. That’s how long ago this was.

I feel much better after getting this off of my chest. I hope that all of my fellow Skyline loyalists can forgive me and see past my previous actions.

As for Jefe and DB. Don’t think I was so appalled by Whitty’s remarks that I forgot about your “fuck Mac” and awarding my mortal enemies awards that I deserved. You’ll get yours. As the late, great Rutherford B. Hayes famously said during the Great Railroad Strike of 1877, “We all have to go on vacation eventually.”

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