I Never* Use Straws, But It’s Not For the Reason You Think

This week straws are under attack. I don’t even remember what was under attack last week, which says a lot about where we’re at in 2018. To be honest, StrawGate isn’t going to change my life much because I’m about as anti-straw as one can be.

Let’s address the elephant in the room for starters. Yes, there are times that you have to drink from a straw. In my eyes, there are only three acceptable times for someone to use a straw.

  1. When you’re enjoying a strawberry milkshake on a hot summer night.
  2. If you’re in the car and go through a drive thru.
  3. If your jaw is wired shut because you got in a fight defending the honor of someone who was being bullied. If you started a fight because you’re a drunk asshole, you deserved that broken jaw and you don’t get a straw pass from me. Enjoy trying to eat puréed meatloaf without a straw, tough guy.

“Wow Mac, that’s a really impressive list and you’re right. How did you develop this set of rules that everyone should live by?”

First of all, thank you. I appreciate your clicks and time spent reading our site. If it weren’t for people like you, Jefe would still be selling is body for calzones and Whitty would be trying to hustle games of FIFA at the children’s hospital. DB’s always had his life together so he’d probably be fine.

Anywhoooo, it all started my sophomore of high school. I think I was in A-Lunch, but don’t hold me to that. I’ve had a few concussions over the years so 2002-2009 all just kinda blend together. You see, in bigger schools you have to split up the lunch period for the good of the lunch staff. Lunch Lady Burnout is a real epidemic and people don’t talk about it enough. A wise classmate of mine made the proclamation that “you can’t look tough drinking out of a straw”.

Seriously you can’t. If you think you can, go get a drink from your favorite fast food establishment. Pick me up something while you’re there. When you get back, find a mirror. Take a drink and try not to look like a fool. You can’t. It’s. Not. Possible.

Also, if you do this please send pictures. Accountability is important. If you claim to pull off the badass straw user look, I won’t believe you unless I have photo evidence in my mentions or DMs.

I’m not saying I am some meat head who feels the need to walk around looking like a hard ass, but I also don’t want to get sucker punched by a bully just because I look weak drinking out of a straw. If someone is looking to hit a random stranger, who are they gonna go after? The guy looking like an Adonis drinking out of a cup or the guy who looks like Mort from Family Guy because he’s using a straw?

For that reason, I’ll pass on the plastic. Not because I’m looking to save the environment, but because of a kid named Josh at my lunch table. I’m not sure if he even remembers this conversation or if he’s still out there drinking straight from the cup like a badass too, but I like to think he is.

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