New Wine Gadget is Proof We’re Doomed as a Society

Of all the news that came out recently that made me question our future as a human race, this has to be the worst thing I’ve seen. Who drinks wine so slow that they need something like this? Not to mention, these mother fuckers are trying to take money out of the pockets of the people that make wine stoppers for wedding guest gifts. 

If you’re buying wine too fancy that you can’t stomach the idea of putting a rubber cork commemorating Dave and Vanessa’s holy matrimony until you’re ready for your next glass, then fuck you. If you drink alcohol so slow that you don’t know when your next glass of wine will be, then fuck you again. Don’t try to battle me on this either. I went to a party school called Ohio University. Ever heard of it? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a strong academic school and has produced some incredible people in the world of journalism (most notably a large majority of Milliron Sports and 100% of the Nati Boys podcasts hosts), but Bobcats drink and Bobcats hate people that spend $1,000 on a gadget that lets you string out a bottle of wine over three decades just because you get a headache from sniffing booze.

I don’t care how much money you have, there’s no reason for something like this. I’m not a big wine guy, but I’ll drink it if it’s put in front of me because I’m not a little bitch. The only time I can remember a bottle of wine not being finished in one evening was when I thought it was a good idea to open a new bottle of wine at 3am to accompany my White Castles after the bar. The only reason that bottle of $8.99 Malbec didn’t get housed was because I passed out before I could finish slider number five.

I hate to go full-hardo on the subject, but people being idiots about drinking and trying to gouge my fellow drinkers for an easy thousand bucks rubs me the wrong way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a margarita to drink during the Virginia Tech-Florida State game.

randy gif


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