What I Plan on Doing With My Powerball and Mega Millions Winnings

A lot of people say “money can’t buy you happiness”. Then again, people say a lot of dumb shit that isn’t true. Would that same idiot tell me that if they just won in the neighborhood of $1 billion? I didn’t think so, 1977.

make it rain

USA Today -A record-smashing Mega Millions prize could be awaiting a lucky winner when the multi-state lottery and Powerball kick off a two-day, $1 billion jackpot grab Tuesday night.

The Mega Millions jackpot is currently $654 million, just $2 million short of the lottery’s record. Powerball’s jackpot also represents: There is a top prize of at least $345 million on Wednesday. Both totals are expected to rise.

If you want all the Mega Millions money up front, the payout on $654 million is a paltry $372 million. You can cash out Powerball’s $345 million jackpot for $199 million.

There are two schools of thought here. Some people think you should use the annuity option because you’ll spend the winnings quicker than you think. Some people don’t trust the lottery system and would take the lump sum just to guarantee the cash and use their own methods to earn additional money on their winnings. I don’t trust the lottery, so I’m cashing the tickets out the second I see the numbers on the nightly news.

What will I do with my newfound fortune? Naturally I’ll do the standard things, like buy a nice plot of land with a house for each of my family members and friends. The people I don’t really like that much but would feel left out if I didn’t include them will get cars. One member of Milliron Sports will be left off that list, but I’ll let you decide who that is. Would you be a house or car person? Or would you be like Hungry the lucky fellow blogger/podcaster left out completely? I can already hear your pores spilling sweat all over your foreheads as you think back on whether you’ve been nice enough to me to earn a house or car. Don’t worry, there’s still time before the drawings to save your fate. The rest of the money would be spent on other things most people wouldn’t think of with their tiny, non-lottery winning brains. You know, things like : 

Skyline Chili Gift Cards to last me a lifetime

I know what you’re thinking. Why would I need Skyline gift cards if I’m a multi-millionaire? It’s clear that I’m an idiot and would waste all of my money on other things just to stick it to people I either don’t like or want to pick on for no reason, especially someone who has been a great friend my entire life but for some reason I always throw under the bus. Actually, that’s not fair to the bus and I’d probably have to buy the city a new one since he’d total that thing. Not naming any names, but starts with a J and ends with ‘efe’.

Now that I’ve paid for Jefe’s funeral as a multi-millionaire (we held it at 11pm on a Sunday night so nobody would show up, but we served store brand soft drinks and had a cash bar) and I’m in a legal battle with the city over who is responsible for the new bus, I’ll address your next question. Why wouldn’t I just buy a Skyline? Well, that’s a very stupid good question, loyal readers across the world not named Simon.

If I win money for doing nothing, the rest of my life will be spent doing nothing, and that’s a Benny Mac Promise TM. I’m not going to open up a restaurant, one of the hardest industries to manage just for some free coneys. They say love what you eat do and you’ll never work a day in your life. Well, I love eating and I don’t plan on working to accomplish that. Figure that one out, Socrates.

If I have a lifetime amount of Skyline Chili gift cards, I know that I’ll never go hungry and I’ll at least be guaranteed a delicious meal in between my shifts begging for change by the overpass.

Editor’s note: I thought this was a fitting moment to point out that some pud from the UK (not the basketball team.. the place where everyone has bad teeth and terrible humor) called me ‘fat boy’ completely unprovoked. He’s not wrong, and this Skyline gift card plan doesn’t really do much to thwart his accusations, but I just thought it should be addressed since I doubt anyone outside of his 137 followers saw it. Is everyone over there named Simon?

ok fat boy

Money to fund the research and development of the perfect pen

Anybody that knows me as Mac, and not “fat boy” knows that I’m the biggest pen snob on the planet. Not to the (ball)point where I’m writing with a quill and ink, but I know a good pen when I feel one. The problem with me, and other people cursed with my same pen-dition is that there is no such thing as the perfect pen out there. You may think you’ve found it, but the internal itch will make you always feel like something better is out there and it’s up to you to find it.

This desire for the perfect pen is exactly why I’ll have a NASA-esque budget devoted to a team of skilled engineers to develop the perfect pen. It may take years, and we may never find it, but I don’t think I could die in peace if I didn’t at least try.

Oh yeah, and the pen will be available to me, and only me. Enjoy your BicStics, losers.

Editor’s note: The Pilot G-2 0.5mm is an easy pen to find that is almost g.o.a.t. status, but if you’re looking for something that makes you look and feel a little more like a baller, might I suggest the Kyinflose 0.5mm on Amazon. It’s cheap but looks and feels like a million bucks (not pounds, Simon)

Arena Football League (with a condition)

I’ve seen a lot of people on Twitter today saying they’d buy their own sports team. First of all, you’re not gonna win enough money to do that. Second of all, when you buy your favorite sports team you’re gonna welcome a lot of unnecessary stress into your life. If you’re smart about it, you’ll buy a team that nobody cares about in a league that nobody cares about. I’m not talking about becoming the player-coach of a WNBA team, which everyone knows I’d be an insane power-forward in. I’m talking about an Arena Football League team.

Wow, that’s so boring. You’re gonna buy a team that hemorrhages money causing you to jump from city to city to stay afloat?

Well, maybe. But that’s not why I’m buying it. I’m buying it to help out an old pal that I love dearly. Any coach that I hire would be hired under one condition, and one condition only. He (or she, welcome to 2018 where Mac has all the money and all the power) would be required to keep Jefe on the roster and play him both ways all season long. This isn’t an attempt to kill Jefe. If I needed to do that I’d just slip a $20 to the Metro driver. This is because I want Jefe to be the Anthony Munoz-Lawrence Taylor hybrid the AFL has so desperately needed since their inception. I don’t want him to pick up the cocaine habits of LT, but if he could absorb some of the humanitarian qualities of Munoz I’ll consider what I’m doing a win for society. Plus in the meantime we’d get to see Jefe be gassed on astroturf that breeds torn ACLs and devastating injuries. Again, I just want Jefe to be happy.

The best legal team in the biz

A lot of rich people hire advance legal (legaul if you’re in the UK) teams if they’re planning on pissing a lot of people off or campaign for office. Not me. I’m going to be the Dexter of the judicial system.

Not the killing part. To be clear. I’m not going to be killing anyone. Right Mr. Metro Bus driver? wink wink

I will make it my life’s mission after my belly is full with Skyline, Jefe is balling out in the AFL, and I have the perfect pen to put deserving criminals behind bars or at least cripple them financially with civil lawsuits. Sure, I could do some good with donating to county prosecutors that are tough on crime when their election cycle comes up, but I’d rather hire a badass team of lawyers to sue the hell out of pricks that got out of cases on technicalities or victims being too afraid to proceed with the trial. I can’t really think of anyone I’d go after first *cough* Ben Roethlisberger *cough*. If you have any ideas of people you can pass them along. My legal team and I will be awaiting your call.

 

So there you have it. That’s what I plan on doing with my newfound fortune. If I don’t win and you do, I just want you to know that by reading this you are legally required to fund at least one of the above plans. Sorry, but that’s blogger-law baby. Next time you’ll think twice before reading our site.

 

I guess only one question remains. What kind of car do you want, Jefe?

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