That’s It – Christmas Is Cancelled, and You Can Thank the People Selling Mac & Cheese Candy Canes

I hate to ruin the holiday season before we’re a full 10 days into December, but I had to do it.

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I don’t even know where to start with this one. Here I was, just enjoying a nice, relaxing Sunday evening. I watched Bad Moms for the first time so I wouldn’t feel lost when I tried to watch A Bad Moms Christmas before Jesus’ big day. I packed my lunch for the next three days and did the exact amount of laundry to get me through one workday. I didn’t think there was anything that could ruin my wonderful Sunday routine until I hopped on the Ol’ Twitter Machine to see what type of offerings they had for me before I fired up a Netflix marathon that would undoubtedly lead to me running around my house like a god damn McCallister after the power reset their alarm clocks tomorrow morning.

That’s when I came across this horrific news:

wtf gif

I blame myself for following Channel 12 in the first place. Everyone that knows me knows that I’m ride or die with my folks at WLWT Channel 5. It’s the first thing I watch in the morning and Meg Mitchell got me through some brutal mornings during the weekends when my kid was nocturnal. WLWT offers nice pieces on charities and food drives. They even have puppies and cats that are up for adoption grace their airwaves. Hell, they even did a lovely piece on your boy when I completed #MacsConeyChallenge (#ConeyWatch2018). They’re not into ruining Christmas and more importantly my evening with trash like this. At first I thought I might be getting punked, so I decided to check it out for myself.

mac and cheese candy canes

gagging

Nope, 100% real. So real, in fact, that they’re fucking sold out. How does that happen? Something like mac & cheese candy canes shouldn’t sell out unless they only made two packs and two assholes decided to buy them as White Elephant gifts or for their mortal enemies.

This isn’t Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Didn’t we learn our lesson with Violet Beauregarde? We don’t need candy or gum that doubles as a meal. It’s not practical. If I want mac & cheese, I’ll go to Noodles & Co. or call my mom to ask her if she knows of any drive-thrus that sell a delicious cheesy noodle dish. I don’t like to wait on water to boil so making my own is out of the question. Basically, if my mac & cheese cravings can only be satisfied by making my own or eating one of these candy canes, I’ll just starve until the cravings subside (aka I settle on $15 worth of Taco Bell).

I’ll never fault anyone for trying to make a buck, so I guess more power to the evil geniuses that crafted such a disgusting Christmas candy. I just wish they had a little more respect for Jesus’ birthday. Maybe next time just make some mac & cheese flavored candy corn. Halloween sucks post-college anyway so who cares if a money hungry candy company wants to ruin that holiday.

If you need me, I’ll be eating my frozen Reese’s Cup Christmas Trees. Because that’s what the holidays are really about.

 

 

 

 

 

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