It’s #BowlSZN and we’re back on the football-game-every-night schedule that we all know and love. Getting the itch to watch two 7-5 teams duke it out on a Tuesday night in front of 300 screaming fans? ESPN has you covered. Need to see a middle of the pack Mountain West team lay the icky thump on a team from the Sun Belt? Be sure to tune into CBS Sports Network. I’ll see you there.
This year OUr beloved Ohio Bobcats are taking on the Aztecs of San Diego State in the prestigious Frisco Bowl – a bowl game so highly regarded that they play it in a stadium that has an MLS team as it’s primary tenant. Sound familiar, San Diego football fans? Have no fear though, the Aztecs will return to San Diego after their stint in a soccer cathedral (unlike your Chargers). #BoltUp
When I first heard the Bobcats would be traveling to the Frisco Bowl, I thought “oh, that’s pretty cool. A bowl game that doesn’t sell out to a weird sponsor like we’ve seen so many times before.” Man, was I wrong. It’s not just the Frisco Bowl.. It’s the DXL Frisco Bowl. Yeah, the company that sells clothes to plus-size dudes (it’s ok to say fat guys I think, but I didn’t wanna risk it in this day and age).
Now that you’ve accidentally said “DSL” Frisco Bowl over and over again like I have, let’s take a step back and look at what kind of message they’re trying to send. Did the people of Frisco need a sponsor so bad that they went with the highest bidder? Or did they know that I am a husky male that has been considering seeing what DXL has to offer in the way of plus-size clothing? I haven’t told anyone that I’ve been considering making DXL my one-stop shop for men’s casual clothing, so my initial reaction was that this was a total coincidence. But then I remembered that sometimes I’ll randomly think about a video game from the 90s and the next time I’m on Instagram there’s a sponsored post for a retro knockoff GameBoy.
I like rocking a Lacoste polo like any other boner that went to college in the mid-2000s, but for some reason Macy’s only sells polos that fit 2008 Mac. 2018 Mac is no match for a slim-fit, French-sized cotton polo that is overpriced because of a tiny alligator on the tit. As you all know, I would be a size 7 in Lacoste (XXL, nbd) but the second that bad boy touches water I’m showing off my belly button. I guess the Milliron money affords me the wear-once lifestyle but I don’t like to be wasteful and only so many homeless guys need a Lacoste polo handcrafted for a 6’3″ balding Zach Galifianakis.
It’s for these reasons, and these reasons alone that I can’t help but think the hosting committee is taking a direct shot at my physique. I can’t keep up with what we’re supposed to be offended about these days, but I’m pretty sure fat shaming middle class men who have no self-restraint from stuffing their faces with fast food is a hot button issue.
If they’re not blatantly attacking me or any other chunky Aztec or Bobcats fans, then tell me this: Why isn’t there a “It’s Just That Mirror Bowl” or “No, Your Jeans Are Supposed To Be That Tight Bowl”?
I’ll swallow my pride and watch the game, but that’s just the kind of fan I am. I wish I could say the same for Jefe, who is going on a hunger strike over this debacle. #LetJefeEat
PREDICTION: Ohio Bobcats 37, San Diego Aztecs 23