A few months ago Patrick Mahomes put himself on the FBI’s Most Wanted List by letting the world know that he loves ketchup so much that he ruins perfectly good foods like mac & cheese and steak with it. I’m not gonna completely shun Mr. Mahomes since he’s been such a fantasy football darling for geniuses who drafted him this season, but putting ketchup on these items is enough to warrant a full background investigation. Is his name even Patrick? I don’t know, but the man can put up fantasy numbers.
The fact that Hunt’s came after Mahomes and not Heinz is genius for all parties involved. Can you imagine if Steeler fans learned how to read and saw the news that their beloved Heinz was endorsing the quarterback who is going to knock them out of the playoffs this year? The rage rolling throughout the hills of Western PA would be furious enough to blow the french fries off of everyone’s sandwiches. What a scene.
I’m happy to see Patrick Mahomes taking advantage of the fame and getting every dollar he can. Is it weird? Maybe a little, but athletes endorse weird shit all the time. If it weren’t for weird endorsements from athletes, Dan Marino would’ve never been kidnapped during an Isotoner Gloves commercial and we wouldn’t have have the cinematic gem, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
Everybody knows that bloggers/podcasters are the same as athletes. The amount of preparation and toll our bodies take are unmatched in comparison to other careers. You think I enjoy my wrists hurting and knees cracking every time I try to move? You think my back would hurt this bad if I had a job as a surgeon? Not likely. I decided to take a break from icing my knees and removed my carpal tunnel wrist guards to work on a few endorsement deals of my own.
“What condiment would everyone from the now-defunct podcast The Nati Boys be endorsed by?” is a question you probably found yourself asking the moment you saw the Patrick Mahomes news. Lucky for you, I’m here to tell you.
I looked it up and bacon fat isn’t a condiment, unfortunately.
I can’t wait for the angry text that is coming my way after that. Anybody that knows Jefe or has had the
displeasure of eating wings with him can tell you the exact words that follow his food order: “..and can I get a couple extra sides of ranch?” I’ve even heard him ask for a “bucket of ranch”, and he wasn’t joking. Those were words that were said by a real human being to an unsuspecting waitress. It paid off though, because she bought him a bowl of ranch so big that I’m certain he couldn’t taste the wing sauce. The man loves his ranch dressing and I couldn’t think of a better product for Jefe to endorse.
Other possibilities: Nacho cheese, marshmallow fluff and chunky blue cheese (for the obvious play on words)
Whitty might be the closest thing we have on staff to an old man. I don’t just say that because his body cracks as he walks like an 84-year-old playing shuffleboard. There’s no need for flair, glitz or glamour when it comes to Whitty. He’s been rocking the same style of shoes since high school and doesn’t see any reason to switch it up. I kinda dig and respect that about him. I mean, I like to show off our Milliron money by wearing the hottest kicks and driving fancy cars. But not Whitty. No siree.
With Whitty, you pretty much know what you’re gonna get, but not always. Sometimes he’ll hit you with a bombshell of a joke or take that you didn’t expect a well-educated man to have, like thinking specialty holiday Reese’s Cups are gross or pronouncing Kobe Bryant’s name phonetically under his breath but just loud enough for people to hear it. You know what else can sometimes seem tame and unassuming but other times pack a punch that knocks your socks off? Salsa. That’s right, salsa. I’m not trying to piss off Condiment Twitter by thinking outside the box, but by definition and all lists I’ve looked at, salsa is a condiment.
Other possibilities: Metamucil, Sweet & Sour and Pepto-Bismol
For those of you who know DB, you know he’s pretty universally liked. The only person I can think of that doesn’t like DB was a guy dressed as Dog the Bounty Hunter on Halloween in 2007, and I don’t even know his name so he doesn’t really count. Actually, now that I think about it, there’s a guy that used to argue with him on Twitter and said our podcast sucked. So other than a Dog the Bounty Hunter from 2007 and a guy on Twitter, pretty much everybody likes DB. What’s a condiment that is universally liked with the exception of a few losers who probably deserve to have their taste buds cut out of their mouth? You guessed it, BBQ sauce. If you don’t like BBQ sauce, you better start numbing your tongue, because Jefe will be there with a pocket knife in 15 minutes (not a threat because it’s a joke, but if you feel this is a threat, Jefe wrote it and DM me for his address and other contact information).
Other possibilities: Frank’s Red Hot and Blackberry Jelly
I Googled “sexiest, funniest, most ripped condiment” and apparently that’s not a thing, so I’m kinda scraping the bottom of the creative barrel here. If I’m speaking on behalf of my ex-girlfriends, I’d say I’m probably Worcestershire sauce since that’s one thing everyone takes for granted and never uses when they have it, but the second they need it for a recipe they realize they discarded it just months earlier. I’m not writing a country song though, so I’ve gotta think of something else. Hmmmmm….
[Returns 45 minutes later]
I’m gonna go with cream cheese. Cream cheese is plain and safe enough to bring home to your parents, but the second you add another ingredient (for food purposes, lets say wing sauce. For real life, lets say alcohol) you can have yourself one hell of a party dip that people kinda like but aren’t thrilled about other people knowing they like it. Cream cheese is also thicc af but basic enough to trick you into thinking it could possibly be healthy (spoiler, neither cream cheese or myself are healthy from a medical standpoint).
Other possibilities: Mayonnaise and vanilla pudding
So there you have it. Now you have something to talk about at work tomorrow when your cubemate asks you which condiment each of the former Nati Boys would be. I’ve heard it’s the debate that is hijacking water cooler talk across the nation and now you won’t look like such a jackass when you don’t have an answer prepared.
Bonus picture that I wanted to use, but didn’t because we’re a family website. Credit to me for restraining from putting it in the blog.