That’s it. Pack it in. We had a good run here on Planet Earth. I’m just hoping the new leaders of our world don’t just kill us all at once and at least give us a glimpse at the fucked up alien communities they decide to build.
Maybe they’ll wait until after the Super Bowl. That would be pretty cool of them. Give us one last moment of happiness. Perhaps one more wardrobe malfunction. Oh, the halftime act is Maroon 5, you say? Sign me up. Nothing says “goodbye Earth” like an Adam Levine dick-slip in front of billions of people (ONLY ON CBS).
I’m just bummed we won’t get to see the Reds win the World Series in 2019. I guess it’s true what they say about Cincinnati sports. We can’t have nice things. Don’t believe me? Perhaps I could point you in the direction of Kenyon Martin’s broken leg, Carson Palmer’s knee, Johnny Cueto’s back spasms, Andy Dalton’s thumb, Jefe’s strained calf.. the list could go on and on.
Now that I’ve relived all of those moments, I think I’m ready for the aliens to wipe us out. If the Steelers somehow backdoor themselves into the playoffs (not a Big Ben joke. If I was going to make a Big Ben joke I would’ve said ‘if the Steelers lock the Ravens in a bathroom and rob them of their playoff birth’ or something like that), I’m ready for it to happen Sunday as soon as the clock strikes 0:00.
A lot of good things happen in our lives, especially mine (not to brag), but sports pretty much ruin every ounce of it on a weekly basis. If no Earth = no sports, I think I can live (in vaporized form) with that.
Who knows though, maybe we’ll all be saved by Dennis Quaid’s crazy brother.
If that happens, so be it. I just hope the aliens look like Leelo from The Fifth Element and not the old lady from Total Recall.
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