Panarin Channels His Inner-Blogger, Unable to Play Because He Pooped His Pants

Twitter went into a frenzy when it was announced the hottest name on the trade block Artemi Panarin wouldn’t be playing tonight vs. Montreal. The initial reaction was that the Jackets must be close to a deal to move Panarin before Monday’s trade deadline, but apparently that’s not the case according to John Tortorella:

If you don’t love Torts, you need to get the hell off our website (after clicking around to a few more blogs and following me on Twitter). People may think he’s an asshole, but he’s exactly what we need in 2019 where everyone is overly politically correct and afraid to hurt anyones feelings. Panarin’s sick. He shit himself a little bit. So what? If nothing else this proves to me how much he wants to bring a championship to Columbus. Someone who is phoning it in until he can be traded away to a coastal city wouldn’t push himself to the limit on a road trip resulting in a wasted pair of boxers. They would’ve just called in sick and stayed back in Columbus after last night’s thrashing at the hands of the Lightning.

Show me someone who hasn’t shit their pants, even a little bit, when they were sick or had too many wings and I’ll show you a liar. Throwing away your boxers in a Kroger bag in the dumpster around back? In the blogging industry we call that a Wednesday. Athletes are supposed to eat a lot healthier than common folk like us, so it’s understandable if he hasn’t conditioned himself to Google the bathroom situation at every checkpoint along the way on a road trip. That’s when accidents like Panarin’s happen. If he had tried blogging once in a while, he would’ve been a seasoned vet like yours truly when it comes to finding a bathroom by any means necessary.

Lucky for us, and not so lucky for Artemi, now we have a great Tortorella sound bite out of the whole situation. I just wish Panarin would’ve said it himself in Russian because дерьмо мои штаны looks like it would sound pretty fucking cool.


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