BREAKING NEWS: It’s Safe to Eat Fish From the Cuyahoga River Again (Sorta)

This is about the best news a Catholic in Cleveland can get smack dab in the middle of Lent. Fish every Friday until Easter? Have no fear, the Cuyahoga River has you covered*

They can say what they want about our Skyline Chili, but the EPA has never deemed our coneys and 3-ways unsafe for consumption. Nutritionists? Maybe, but last time I checked, nutritionists were private contractors and not some government agency. Point, Cincinnati.

I would drink water from the Ohio River with pride, and now it’s great that our less fortunate neighbors to the north can have the same pride in their local bodies of water. It’s been a pretty big few weeks for them. Their new head football coach who is named after the room he clearly never left as a child has acquired a diva wide receiver who will turn on their second-year quarterback by week 6 and lost their newly acquired running back for 8 games since he went full FIFA on a lady in a hotel lobby. Meanwhile, we’re just minding our own business with our very attractive new head coach and cutting dead weight like Vontaze Burfict (and taking on three tons of shit in Bobby Hart, but that’s not important right now.)

Enjoy your Cuyahoga Catfish, Cleveland.

Shit, I think I just renamed a minor league baseball team. Everything’s coming up Mac!

*but only once a month

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