While The Blue Jackets’ First Round Victory Meant My Life Was Worth Living, It Almost Ruined Relationships in Tampa Bay

The Columbus Blue Jackets sweeping the Tampa Bay Lightning in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs meant a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For people like me, it finally gave me the feeling of joy that has alluded me during my entire hockey fandom. Growing up in an area without an NHL franchise meant I didn’t really pay much attention to the NHL and thought the Cincinnati Cyclones were the bees knees during my entire childhood. Fast-forward to life as a young adult, recently graduated from college with a disposable income and I’m suddenly spending thousands of dollars on Blue Jackets season ticket packages and apparel during my illustrious four year career as an accountant accounting assistant in a Columbus suburb.

Just because I came back to the motherland doesn’t mean my Columbus fandom died during the 2 hour drive on I-71 South. I live and die with the Blue Jackets’ success. Not quite as bad as I let the Reds ruin my summers, but let’s just say I’m not usually in a good place come April in regards to hockey. Usually it’s just dropping f-bombs every other word (in the angry way, not the way I talk pretty much every day anyway), throwing a remote as hard as humanly possible into the couch after I get up, or swearing off sports and the Columbus Blue Jackets forever.

Anytime my wife thinks I’m overreacting when I tell the cats or dog to get the fuck out of the way as I storm walk to the bathroom to cry, I just need to show her this.

TB fan 1

Yikes.

There’s a lot to unpack here. Is this dude just trying to get out of his relationship and he thinks the best way to do it is to blame it on the Lightning? If so, it’s kinda a genius move if you think about it. If your significant other finds out you’re cheating on them, then they can egg the other person’s house, smash the windows of their car, spray paint “SLUT” on their driveway.. just to name a few options. What is this person gonna do to the Tampa Bay Lightning? Not buy tickets? Ok pal, big deal. They already said they’re a Tampa Bay Rays fan, which shouldn’t even be a thing since the entire fanbase should’ve abandoned the franchise when they dropped “Devil” from the name.

Maybe the dude is just a psycho and has bought into an under-performing team full of Russians that got absolutely alpha’d by the American-led Blue Jackets. Maybe he put an insane amount of money on his hometown squad to win the Cup or series and now he has to explain why he’ll never be able to afford the ring she wants on his GameStop salary.

Have no fear though, it looks like the happy couple isn’t in danger of breaking up.

TB fan 2

THANK GOD she accepted HIS apology. You’d have to be a total bitch not to let him come crawling back after he was left with out a playoff hockey team or a TV to watch. $100 says this clown is sitting on his girlfriend’s couch watching whatever he wants on her TV as soon as his mom picks him up from work.

If he was a real man, he would’ve captured video of himself smashing the shit out of his TV with a hockey stick. Anyone can hold a camera phone while lighting a jersey on fire and clicking “unlike” on Facebook. It takes a true man to swing a hockey stick with one arm and enough force to shatter a 32″ TV he stole from his parents when he moved into his one bedroom apartment after being promoted to shift-leader at GameStop.

Because of that, I’m calling bullshit on this entire story. We don’t have pictures, videos or anything. Not to mention, both posts are written with such thought and level headed thinking. People who air out their personal business to bunch of strangers on Reddit are probably doing it while in emotional distress. These posts read with the grace and calmness you’d expect from a nun’s email. Not some young person who is dating a guy who got his key taken away from the GameStop because he let his buddies come in to play with the Funko Pops after store hours.

If it is true, I hope this person dumps the ever living shit out of him. If it’s not true, thanks for wasting my time in reading it, and everyone else’s time in reading my blog.

Since we feel slighted, here’s one of my favorite fan meltdowns of all time. I might be biased, but I think this is gonna be hard to beat. If it wasn’t a Steelers fan, maybe someone else could dethrone him; but since I despise that organization with the heat of 1,000 suns, it will never be topped.

 

I wonder if the dishes ever got done.

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