If We Can’t Open Doors With Hand Sanitizer Like Germany (or somewhere over there), Then What Are We Even Living For?

Reddit user zebra145 said it best when they said “Why is this not a thing?” Does anything else need to be said? Probably not but I’ll try anyway.

Lucky for you, u/zebra145 is just some random person on Reddit, and I get paid pay to write about stuff like this when I stumble across it on the internet. There aren’t many things I see that make me say “ooooh, I need that” (except for every sponsored ad on Instagram and 95% of my suggested Amazon products), but this is absolutely something we need in America. I’m not a worldly man. I’ve been to Jamaica, Mexico and Italy. I’ve never been brave enough to venture into Canada, so I’m sure as shit not gonna find myself in Germany or wherever in the hell this is.

Regardless of your world views, why don’t we have this in America? We’re the Land of the Free and Home of the Whopper, and there’s nobody at MIT that could come up with something like this? I call bullshit. Either the healthcare industry is too powerful of a foe for some lowly grad student buried in debt or standardized testing has finally caught up to and defeated our youth. You know what doesn’t require thousands of dollars of medical bills for your hospital stay? That’s right. Clean hands.

It’s the simplest of ideas that always catch our eye as genius. Post-It Notes.. just simple squares of paper that have the perfect amount of adhesive that they stay on our walls but can be swiftly ripped down when you don’t want your roommate to see your Brazzers password. Or how about an ink pen? Why would you use a quill and bottle of ink that takes forever to dry when you can just fill a plastic tube with the same stuff and get a better result? I could go on for days but those are the only two things sitting in front of me right now and it’s late. Shout out whoever invented drink coasters as well. If it weren’t for you, my Post-It Notes would get soggy when my energy drink started to sweat because for some reason this is the only fucking room in the house that stays 90 degrees regardless of what the thermostat is set at. Hang with me, it’s late.

How simple of an idea is this and how has nobody perfected it? Sure they’d have to adjust the design a little bit for our extra chubby hands in America, but if I can take a shit in a McDonald’s bathroom without having to touch anything on the way out.. that right there is the American Dream. Sure, some people try the foot method on the bottom of the door or use a paper towel to grab the handle, but I guarantee those jabroni’s still walk out of the bathroom with dirtier hands than Hans walking out of his favorite wiener schnitzel joint. Aaaaaaaaand nobody should have to live with that. Hans’ hands don’t deserve special treatment just because of where he was born. Wars have been started for less.

All I’m saying is the engineers in this country need to step it up. Let’s take a break from the robot guided surgical equipment, the self driving cars and pacemakers and start dealing with what matters. You can’t build a house without a strong foundation, and the foundation to any healthy person is clean hands. I don’t know if that’s true, but Sesame Street wouldn’t have songs about washing your hands if it wasn’t at least a little bit important, right?

All I can say with absolute certainty is if I can’t open the bathroom door at B-Dubs with a hand sanitizer machine by the end of 2019, I’m gonna freak the fuck out.

Image result for michael scott you have one day

 

 

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