Pants Pooping Paul Pierce is Winning Over Blogger Hearts One Poop Story at a Time

For years (11 to be exact), I’ve been calling Paul Pierce a bitch for needing to be carried off the floor, put in a wheel chair and rolled back to the locker room just to return and finish the game.

As a man who has played three (3) seasons of beer league hockey, I just couldn’t let this slide. There’s an honor and a code you play by when you’re at the highest level (or Thursday night beer league) and until today, America assumed Pierce broke that code.

Honestly, this changes everything. I always thought it was odd that a guy who was stabbed 11 times would need this type of treatment for an “injury” that didn’t even sideline him for the rest of the game, but the moment I think I have soccer NBA players figured out, they throw me a Sandy Koufax curveball that leaves me looking sillier than Russell Westbrook before a game against the Rockets. I’m sorry for the Dennis Miller impersonation.

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And that’s silly.

Paul Pierce pooping his pants in 2008 might be the most relatable thing that has ever happened to an NBA player for me, outside of spraining your ankle really bad and crying every time you take a step for the next month, of course. If what Paul is saying is true, and I’d have no reason to think he’d actually admit to shitting his pants on live television if it wasn’t true, then I feel like I have to apologize. I mean, I won’t, but I probably should. Sure, Ashton Kucher’s Butterfly Effect movie was fine other than making me scared of the normally stunning Amy Smart. But don’t you think Paul Pierce could have a much more compelling story to tell for a Butterfly Effect reboot? This whole time there have been two camps on Pierce. The one camp is filled with biased Celtics fans that think he beat a career threatening injury in mere minutes just to come back and become the Finals MVP and the other camp is the people with brains. Wouldn’t you watch two hours of cinematic gold telling the story of how Paul Pierce admitting he had too much Taco Bell before the game could change the course of time and how different a 33-year-old blogger’s life would be if he didn’t have unwarranted hate towards a player of a league that he doesn’t even follow that closely?

Ok, maybe that movie would suck but a lot of movies that suck get made these days. Why do you think Melissa McCarthy is still cashing checks?

I still have a lot to think about before I forgive Paul Pierce for what he did to me in a game I wasn’t even watching and had zero interest in back in 2008. They say time heals all wounds, but I’m not sure if that applies to lying about diarrhea.

For the record: This is 100% the move if you’re attacked by a bout of bubble guts on the field of play. It’s been discussed before on our award winning podcast on how you would handle sudden diarrhea if you were a professional athlete and had nowhere to turn. I always said I’d lay down and make them stretcher me off the field to avoid the embarrassment. That way I’d gain the sympathy of watching everyone and nobody would have a clue that I didn’t have the restraint to not eat a rack of ribs as an appetizer for my four cheese coneys and Taco Bell before the game.

Wait a second.. maybe we’re not so different after all, Mr. Pierce.

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But I’d own it after the fact. I wouldn’t wait 11 years and use Michelle Beadle as a shield for my diarrhea shame. That’s just sad.

Be better, Paul. Let me know where I should ship the Imodium.

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