Derek Dietrich Lived a Day in My Shoes. I Just Hope He Doesn’t Gain Weight and Start Blogging

Athletes, they’re just like us!

With a day off between interleague match-ups, Derek Dietrich took a break from running laps in the heads of Pittsburgh TV analysts and went on a tour of Cincinnati to prove that he’s a Cincinnati Red through and through. His first stop was at the Cincinnati Zoo to see our version of the Royal Family, Bibi and Fiona (RIP Henry, the truest OG hippo I’ve ever met). If you’ve never seen Fiona, you’re missing out. She took the country world by storm when she was born six weeks premature and had to be bottle fed by humans since she couldn’t stand or eat on her own. I feel like Fiona has grown up right in front of our eyes over the last 2+ years since we’ve been monitoring her weight and size throughout the entire journey.

That’s right. Peep the likes on my reply to the news report. That’s how much people love Fiona (and my funny tweets) in this city. There are a few ways to assure yourself an ass whooping in Cincinnati: bring up the 2015-16 playoff loss, say Skyline Chili isn’t good and talk trash about Queen Fiona.

Derek has only been a Cincinnatian since March, but he just lived the dream of millions of Greater Cincinnati residents. He got to feed Fiona and see the magnificent beast up close and personal. Fiona and I are always separated by a thick pane of glass when we hang out. After seeing Dietrich get to hang out with Fiona without the glass, I feel like I’ve just been visiting a friend in prison for the last two years. I mean, I’m not mad, but just because I don’t hit dingers doesn’t mean Fiona doesn’t want to be hand fed by yours truly. Again, whatever. Not mad.

Let’s see what he did next before this blog turns into an angry letter to the Cincinnati Zoo.

Ok, now we’re talking. This is 100% step 2 in the Fat Mac playbook. Hungry after a day of walking the hills at the Cincinnati Zoo and seeing a bunch of badass animals and getting to hang out face to face with Fiona without the glass? Why not swing by your neighborhood Skyline for a little taste of Heaven?

It was a pretty nice touch that the entire staff had Derek’s signature gold chain around their necks as a warm welcome to Double D. Again, I’m not mad that he’s getting all of this special treatment but I don’t think it would kill anyone in Skyline to wear a long sleeve t-shirt for the second day in a row that hasn’t been washed and a hat that clashes in color with my green gym shorts and grey shirt. Again, not mad but I’m starting to wonder why I’ve pumped thousands of dollars into that place if they’re not willing to look like a slob just to make me feel welcomed. If they can put on a gold chain for Derek Dietrich, then I think it’s the least they could do for me. Or maybe I should just start showering and look presentable. No no no. This isn’t a blog about how I need to get my life together. This is about Derek and how he got the day he deserved. Even if it is the same routine I’ve had for as long as I’ve been a dad (2.5 years, nbd).

He loved it! And he even (probably) triggered Whitty by drinking a Pepsi while he was there. Man, a guy who can drink a cola with his coneys and 3-way and still look like that? That’s the American Cincinnati Dream. I prefer Mountain Dew with my go-to order (4 cheese coneys and a chili deluxe burrito without lettuce or tomato) but I’m just glad Dietrich isn’t trying to be a snob and drink water. If you’re already carbo-loading with the coneys and 3-way, you might as well sugar it up with the Pepsi.

God damn, Derek Dietrich eating Skyline is one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen.

You’re right Scooter. Better late than never. I have no idea what took Derek so long to get to Skyline. I would’ve taken him whenever he asked. We would’ve laughed, enjoyed each other’s company, probably go see a movie, hit the town to shove a few Pirates fans in lockers and called it a night by 10 so he could get his rest for the next day’s game. I’d probably say Scooter could come along since I know he loves Skyline too, but I wouldn’t want anyone around that would try to drive a wedge between my and Derek’s blossoming friendship. Derek’s big day is about me and I’ll be damned if Scooter and his good, welcoming attitude ruined it. Nice try Scoots.

Now for some dessert….

By golly! What doesn’t this guy do? Now he’s even scooping his own ice cream at Graeter’s? It’s time to change Derek’s birth certificate to Cincinnati, OH right now. This man was born on the Ohio River as far as I’m concerned. Not some lake up north that is the one thing between us and a bunch of painfully nice Canadians.

Image result for joey votto mountie gif

That’s some great technique too. I mean, if someone is gonna give you free Graeter’s and the ability to scoop it yourself, you owe it to the rest of us to go all in. I’m talking as big of a scoop as you can get, and that’s exactly what he did. He went for a variety of flavors, whereas I’d just go straight mint chocolate chip for every scoop they were willing to comp. But I guess that’s the kind of leeway you get when you’re mashing dinger after dinger at Great American Ball Park. You think the manager of Graeter’s is going to tell Derek to cut back on the scoops and limit it to one flavor? Hell no. Look at those arms. Look at that chain. Look at the way he admires his work after pulverizing something.

Image result for derek dietrich watches home run

Time to go change your pants Mr. Manager. Your two scoops of chocolate chunk are stinking the entire place up.

All in all, Derek Dietrich had himself one hell of an off-day. Usually my off-days are spent cutting the grass, being assaulted by my toddler and complaining to my wife about not having anything good to blog about. When I do manage to sneak in an off-day like Derek just had, I have to foot the bill instead of having everything given to me. Derek and I are compensated VERY differently, so its hard not to be a little annoyed. No no no. Not now, Mac. This is about Derek and his awesome day. Don’t make this about you again. 

Regardless of who paid for what, and who makes more than who, and who just got hit in the nuts by a stray Paw Patrol toy, I’m just glad Derek is embracing Cincinnati as much as Cincinnati is embracing him. I’d love to see him get signed to an extension rather than forcing arbitration or even worse, being traded at the deadline. The rest of his career should be spent Letting It Fly in GABP with that glorious gold chain pissing off anyone with a ROOT SPORTS contract.

And Derek – if they ever start getting cheap over at the Cincinnati Zoo, gimme a ring. Our family zoo pass allows for a guest, and it would be my honor. I can’t promise you we’ll get that close to Fiona again without a visit from security.

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