FaceApp has taken the world by storm today. To be honest, this could’ve been around forever but today is the first day I’ve heard of it because I saw it all over Twitter and Instagram, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hooked. I’ve checked to see how old I’d look with all different types of facial expressions and how badass I’ll look in my 70s while wearing a Blue Jackets hat and noise cancelling headphones. I ran out of ways to smile/dress/curl my upper lip by noon and it sucked, so I started to wonder what other people would look like when they get old and crusty.. and whatta ya know….
Professional baseball players, they’re just like us!
Have you ever wondered what the Reds will look like when they’re on their incredible World Series streak in 2052? Lucky for you, Scooter Gennett had a little fun with the app before tonight’s game against the Cubs.
Well, if you couldn’t already tell who the first one was by the face, you should’ve been able to tell by the neck. Jesse Winker is a very handsome old man. Not many men that age can keep a head of hair that long, and the beard has just enough brown in it to tell you he’s still young enough to have a good time, but the grey shows that he’s wise. If I could look like anyone in my 60s, I think I’d choose Jesse Winker. I don’t know if that’s weird to say or not, but I’m saying it and I don’t care.
Kyle Farmer is a hilarious dude, one hell of a utility player and someone every major league ballclub would be lucky to have in their clubhouse. Howevahhhh.. the man did not age well. At least not the way FaceApp thinks he will. The wrinkles say he should’ve mixed in a little sunscreen, but that smirk says he’s ready for beer number 17 after his Tuesday night golf league. I said I’d want to look like Jesse Winker in my 60s, but I think I wanna be living Kyle Farmer’s life.
It’s no surprise, but even geriatric Joey Votto still looks like he could rake. The jaw stayed chiseled and he still has the shoulders of an MVP first baseman. Maybe it’s the Canadian genes, maybe it’s his diet, but whatever Joey was doing over the last 30 years served him well.
Nick Senzel looks like someone famous and I can’t figure it out. If anyone can pinpoint it, please let me know before I end up in a padded room from driving myself crazy trying to figure it out. For the sake of the blog, I’ll just drop it and go with what I think he actually looks like. There’s no doubt in my mind that this version of Nick Senzel is entering his 10th season as the manager of a Double-A team. I don’t want that to be taken as an insult either, because I think that would be the sweetest gig on the planet. There’s not the same pressure to deal with Triple-A guys who have egos that are ready for the MLB but a skill set that says it’s time to hang it up. In lower level minor leagues, you’re dealing with a lot of younger players who could be a pain to deal with in their own right. Double-A seems like the perfect sweet spot where you have the least amount of pressure from the MLB club and a group of guys who have been around for long enough that you’re not just a glorified babysitter in a random Midwestern town. In my mind, this version of Nick doesn’t even get a room at the team hotel because he has a gal in every town waiting for his call when the team bus unloads.
I feel like I have to address something right out of the gate. I love Derek Dietrich. Even though he has been struggling at the plate for a long time now, his energy and love for being a Cincinnati Red is infectious. That being said, I’m just going off of what my first reaction is to someone’s aged photos from FaceApp. So Derek, if you’re reading this, and I know you are, blame FaceApp. I just interpreted the photos, so if you decide you no longer wanna be best friends with anyone, it should be them. Not me. Again, we can still be friends no matter how much you hate what I’m about to say. Also, did your address change? You haven’t written back.
Need a sub in your softball league? Derek Dietrich is your guy. If you’ve ever played beer-league softball, you know this guy. He wears the same pants from his high-level softball team he played for a decade ago, a cut off t-shirt that he won in a tournament and doesn’t even think about putting on a hat. In between drinking buckets of beer at a picnic table between fields, he fills in wherever a team needs him and pisses everyone off by wasting a home run on a solo shot or popping up trying to go yard. Who cares if he doesn’t have a regular team to play on? He’s not a liability in the field and doesn’t mind pitching if that’s what someone needs. A guy like this can show up every night and end up playing in 15 games a week if he wants to. Who needs a family when you have a florescent yellow ball to hit?
The year is 2052 and Eugenio Suarez still owns the Chicago Cubs. It’s amazing he can still hit dinger after dinger against the Cubs as a break from his new career as a sexy Santa Claus for a cologne company’s Christmas ad. Of all the guys on the team, Geno clearly had the best skincare routine because the man’s face doesn’t look a day over 40. Mercy.
Jose Peraza or The Most Interesting Man in the World?
If this guy shows up to your house, do not leave him alone with your wife. Ever see those infomercials for the old men with grey beards and insane abs that most of us never even had in our teenage years? That’s this guy. Jose Peraza must be taking the best supplements that make you feel 30 years younger (in and out of the bedroom, per the late-night commercials). If there was ever a picture that I had to show someone to define “old man strength” I think I would show them this. And you can’t even see his forearms or the rest of his body, but you know exactly what I’m talking about. There’s nothing on this planet that intimidates me more than a man at retirement age with ripped forearms and hands that look like they could crush walnuts. I just got a shiver down my spine thinking about crossing paths with someone like that in Home Depot. He knows exactly what he’s there to buy and there’s nothing that is gonna stop him from fixing whatever is broken. Meanwhile, I complain about carpal tunnel and whine when my hand gets sore if I have to actually write something longer than two sentences with a pen. Tightening a screw? You can forget about it. Get me the electric drill so my hand doesn’t cramp up.
I’m sure I’ll get sick of the app eventually, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon. Send me any of your favorite FaceApp pictures, celebrity or your own, and I’ll retweet them. Not that that means anything, but hey- social media engagement!