I Didn’t Know the Human Thumb Was Capable of Growing a Beard

Ok, maybe not a beard.. just stubble.

I didn’t know it was possible to not care so much about something to the point that I started to hate everyone and everything involved. I said from day one that Baker Mayfield was overrated and just Johnny Manziel with a longer shelf life, and when they paired him with the human thumb Freddie Kitchens, I assumed that timeline was just going to be sped up. Now I’m to the point where its full on hatred for the entire organization from the person to takes tickets to the person writing the checks. This isn’t even coming form a place of division hatred either, so don’t try to play the “jealous fan card”. The Bengals suck, have sucked and will probably continue to suck for the foreseeable future. The problem is they’re gonna not suck just enough to the point that they miss out on a franchise altering pick like Joe Burrow. I would feel the same way about the Browns franchise even if I was an Arizona Cardinals fan. I hated Philly when they anointed themselves The Dream Team, and the Browns just seemed to take it even a step further with their off season parade planning.

But I digress…

When my two worlds of hatred collided a few Thursday nights ago during the Browns-Steeler melee that resulted in Myles Garrett swinging Mason Rudolph’s own helmet at his head like an ax, I didn’t know what the hell to do. I hate each franchise for different reasons. I hate the Browns not for winning, but acting like they were the cock of the walk after trading for a diva wide receiver and having their QB show up in a few semi-funny Progressive Insurance commercials. The Pittsburgh hatred is probably rooted more in jealousy and being their whipping boy for a majority of my life. They seem to catch break after break and ruined the Bengals only shot at a Super Bowl when that fuck stick Kimo von Oelhoffen obliterated Carson Palmer’s knee and every fan in Cincinnati’s soul.

Image result for carson palmer knee

Makes me wanna puke every time I see it.

Seeing Myles Garrett make an ass out of himself on national television and overshadowing a monumental win for his team over a division rival that got them back into the playoff race was as hilarious as it was satisfying as far as this guy is concerned. While I wanted to find a way to blame Pittsburgh for the nonsense that occurred, I just couldn’t. I pride myself on hating Pittsburgh and their fanbase more than anyone else. But even in the deepest part of my hate-filled heart, I couldn’t do it. Now, I feel obligated to say that if the Mason Rudolph using a slur rumors were true, then I wish Garrett would’ve connected a dozen more times to the point that fans had to make a GoFund Me page for Rudolph’s new van that he had to drive with his teeth, but the league has pretty much confirmed there’s no evidence that leads anyone to believe that’s the case. 

Now that we’re approaching Week 13, the Steelers and Browns are slated for a rematch that will be absent of Myles Garrett (suspension) and Mason Rudolph (sucking). The NFL already moved this to a 1pm game to avoid it being the national game of the week for CBS at 4:25 and it never stood a chance to be flexed to Sunday Night Football since the league knew that would likely just result in round 2 with all the build up. That doesn’t mean some more flames weren’t stoked despite the two key parties of the skirmish not being in the lineup tomorrow. In comes Freddie Kitchens.

Pretty cool that he could find a t-shirt that would fit around that neck without ripping. This probably isn’t the best look for a head coach that is already hanging onto his job for dear life. It was fine when Matt Patricia wore the Goodell clown nose shirt because 1. he wasn’t a head coach yet and 2. the Patriots, love them or hate them, got railroaded by the NFL and were rightfully upset. Plus, any fanbase or coach can appreciate the sentiment that Roger Goodell is a Grade-A ass hat and deserves every ounce of criticism that comes his way.

But Kitchens is just making a mockery out of the fight that embarrassed his team and franchise. The Browns have been incredibly undisciplined this season (as a Bengals fan, I feel qualified to say that) and they are being flagged at an impressive rate. They have had 121 flags thrown against them to date, which ties them with Detroit who already played their 12th game of the season on Thanksgiving while the Browns are still only 11 games into their championship season. So for all my friends in Cleveland who aren’t good at math.. that’s not ideal. 12 games > 11 games and 121 flags = 121 flags. Basically what I’m saying is it took a team playing more games than Cleveland to catch them on the flag total. You’ll catch on eventually.

Editor’s note and totally not me saying it: Cincinnati, shockingly, has only had 79 flags thrown in their direction. Although that may just be out of pity more than them actually not committing fouls. 

Back to Can’t Stay Out of the Kitchens, Freddie. If this was a player or someone else with the team, then whatever. Who really cares? It would probably be kinda funny and I wouldn’t blink twice at it, no matter how much I disagreed with those orange words on a shit brown colored shirt. Cleveland 100% started it.

But I’ve always preferred my head coaches to handle themselves with a little tact and class when facing adversity.

Zac Taylor hasn’t found a reason to be mad other than the one time he lost his mind after forgetting the rules in Buffalo about giving yourself up to kill a play.. but hey, he’ll snap eventually. We all do.

But to make this about myself and my teams again.. when the Reds all started wearing shirts depicting their own brawl with the scumbags from Pittsburgh, you didn’t see David Bell wearing a shirt. That would’ve been uncouth.

For my friends in Pittsburgh:


Image result for reds wearing puig brawl shirt

Do I think David Bell probably wanted to wear that shirt? Yeah, of course he did. He probably would’ve loved to have it on during round 2 when he tried to break Clint Hurdles neck after Amir Garrett (sensing a trend in Pittsburgh rivals yet?) stormed the Pirates dugout before leaving the field during a pitching change. But he didn’t. He hates Pittsburgh with class and dignity. Plus he has a jawline. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but Freddie Kitchens doesn’t if we’re keeping score.

I started this blog just to point out how much Freddie Kitchens looked like a human thumb with some scruff, but the more I sat here, the angrier I got about the whole situation and the cities it entailed. Almost 1,200 words later I’m finally getting to the point I was trying to make. But hey, I taught Pittsburgh a new word and the city of Cleveland a quick math lesson.

the more you know

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow has in store for us. I might not even watch the Bengals game just so I can keep an eye on any bloodbath that unfolds between the Browns and Steelers. Everyone knows live tweeting a brawl will get you a ton of RTs and Likes on Twitter.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s