Wait, Why is the President Calling Me? Or is He Trying to Reach Some Guy Named James?

So this question was posed by a local news station here in Cincinnati late Saturday night on Twitter. Actually, I never know if it’s still Saturday night at 1am, or is it Sunday morning? It’s night, but technically not? I really don’t know. Its kinda late (or early) and I don’t wanna waste the few brain cells that are still awake on semantics. I guess this is what I get for following Channel 12 on Twitter when I’m a ride-or-die WLWT News 5 guy.

Anywhoooo- the question they posed was “If President Trump called you on the phone today, what would you say to him?“. Man, what a loaded question. All politics aside, what a wild day that would be. Why would he be calling me? Does he need a recommendation on what to order at Skyline? Simple, 4 Cheese Coneys and an All-Chili Burrito with sour cream and a large Mountain Dew. Does he think I’d be a good ambassador to some kick ass beach country where I could recreate the Top Gun volleyball scene every day with my homeboys in between meetings with the locals just to keep peace? I’d have to work on my abs but I’d be up for the challenge. Who knows why he’d be calling me. The possibilities are endless. It could even be a wrong number. I’ve been getting a lot of wrong number calls for some guy named James lately. Actually, I don’t think they’re wrong numbers at all; I just think some prick named James gave out my phone number and now I’m signed up for all of these call lists asking me about the extended warranty on my Buick and whether or not I’m still interested in attending a seminar about flipping houses. I don’t even own a Buick, and until I turn 60 I’m not even gonna think about test driving one, let alone need an extended warranty to cover the things the warranty from Buick won’t cover after 100,000 miles. Hell, who even knows if Buick will be around when I’m turning 60. Maybe that’s something I can talk to the president about after I figure out why he called in the first place. We’re getting sidetracked. Try to stay on topic. Whether it was a simple mistake where he mixed up a digit or it was a conscious attempt to avoid people, James can go fuck himself.

But let’s say DJT actually meant to get ahold of me and not James, I don’t even know what I’d say.

Actually, I do.

The first thing I’d say is “Hello?”. That’s just the polite thing to do and I don’t have his number in my phone so I’d have no idea who was calling in the first place. I’m not some rude person who answers with a grunt like a caveman when I don’t have the caller’s number in my phone. Does the president’s number just show up with Caller ID on everyone’s phone even if they don’t have his number saved? I’d think all calls from the White House come from a general number and redialing it would just put you into the White House switchboard so even if it showed up as coming from the White House, you’d never expect the president to be on the line.

After a polite, yet inquisitive “Hello?” I’d ask how he got my number. Ah, nevermind. The Patriot Act. That’s probably how. Either that or James gave it to him. I don’t know where James stands on the political spectrum so I guess it could be entirely possible that he and Donald rubbed elbows at a fundraiser and he wrote my number down on a form after cutting a fat check. Then again, James drives a Buick so it’s also very likely that he’s not exactly funding anyone’s campaign. Who knows though, he could be a frugal fella and picks his spots to show off his money. Again, I don’t know James and if I did, I’d have a few questions for him as well.

Image result for kelly kapoor how dare you gif

 

After giving it a lot of thought and typing nearly 700-words on it, I’ve realized this is such a pointless question to try to answer. What would I say to the President of the United States of America if he called me?

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Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not one word.

I don’t pick up numbers that aren’t saved in my phone thanks to James. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.

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