NYC Resident Doesn’t Understand Math, Embarrasses Herself By Calling Out Local Butcher Shop

Man, these are rough and boring times. Everyone seems to be on edge because of the unknown and uncertainty of when things will start to get back to normal. But for the most part, it seems like everyone has come together and rallied against the common enemy (go fuck yourself Coronavirus).

Ok, so maybe I wished hemorrhoids upon people who are hoarding toilet paper like we’re about to have a nuclear holocaust, but that’s just pure insanity. Are you going to be home more frequently and using your own toilet paper instead of the single ply toilet paper at Target while your wife circles around the impulse buy stuff right next to the Starbucks, texting “are you almost done?” several times before just telling you to meet her by the kid’s clothes. But the fact of the matter is there’s absolutely no reason for every single store in every single town to be sold out of toilet paper. People just aren’t shitting that much! And I think I’d know. People are cooking at home more and unable to go drink at a bar. No liquor? No 3AM food runs? No need for a spare bedroom full of Charmin, pal.

Ok, so back to this crazy lady. I am sure she’s very flustered and has been going through a lot. New York City seems to be a hotbed for Coronavirus and a lot of people think it will get worse before we even start to have hope that it’ll get better. I’m not a doctor or scientist, so it’s not really my place to say. Apparently, she’s no doctor or scientist either.. or someone who can pass third grade math.

Sweet Jesus, it’s even worse when you see how much she dug in. You see, the math is pretty simple. Luckily the butcher’s social media person (who I’m assuming is just the same person who is working at the counter) was readily available to point it out.

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It’s been all day and there’s been no response from Jennifer. Either her phone died and she has no idea she’s getting roasted all over Twitter or she’s too embarrassed to even respond. Personally, I’d just delete the tweet, but I’d also never go at the neck of a company online and make such a simple, stupid math error like that. Different strokes for different folks, as I always say.

I look forward to Jennifer’s next tweet. Not the point that I’ll follow her, but I’ll keep checking back and report. If she has any self awareness, she’ll just post a picture of the cooked ribeyes without a caption.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some toilet paper duties to take care of.

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How Late is Too Late to Start Watching TV?

I’m sitting here at 1:14am (Eastern Time Zone, for reference) and I’m caught up in quite the predicament. Is it too late to start watching something on Netflix or Hulu? Perhaps Disney+ or Apple TV? Actually, Amazon Prime has some good options too. I really don’t know what I’d watch even if I decided to watch something. Fuck, I forgot about HBO Go. Now I really don’t know what to do. I know a lot of people are pissed off about some Emma show that charged $20 to stream. I looked it up and it doesn’t really look like my thing. Old timey stuff? Hard pass. But then again.. no. I can’t even act like I’d even consider it. There’s some tiger documentary out. Or Tiger Man or something. I heard it’s pretty fucked up so I’ll probably want to give that my full attention. I really need to start watching something that I can fall asleep to and not be bummed out if Hulu keeps playing through the night and I lose my spot. You see, Netflix gets shit on a lot for the “Are you still watching?” prompt that pops up around the sixth episode of The Office people are watching, but that is a huge asset for people like me who fall asleep before the intro stops playing on a lot of TV shows.

Speaking of TV show intros, when Dan and I were roomies at OU, we would always pass out to Chappelle’s Show DVDs and wake up to the intro song playing over and over again on the menu page after all of the episodes on that disc played.

Back then, streaming services weren’t in existence yet and you were forced to spend upwards of $30 per season of a TV show you really liked. Sometimes you could get them for $20, but that wasn’t something you could bank on. Around the holidays sometimes Whitty and I would cash in on the BOGO offer at Best Buy on HBO sets. Buddy, did we watch some Entourage and Curb Your Enthusiasm… mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhh.

But now that I don’t have to worry about DVDs or Blu-rays (because I packed them all up and put them in storage a few months ago), I have just about every streaming subscription known to mankind. If it streams video, I have it. Except for the premium sites with lady parts. I don’t pay for that. There’s all kinds of free sites for that. I’m happily married with two kids.

So what should I watch? I’ve been scrolling on my phone trying to find something that I can watch on my iPad. I know it makes no sense but its easier to hold a phone rather than sit here with an iPad while I ramble on and on in a blog that three people will read tomorrow morning while taking their morning dumps and hiding from their kids.

Maybe I’ll watch some more episodes of 30 Rock. Well, that might not be a good idea now that I think about it. It’s on Hulu and this is my first time watching the series so I don’t want to fall asleep in the middle of an episode and have the full season play through and have no idea where I was when I slipped in to dreamy dream world. That’s what I call it. Ok, I lied. I’ve literally never called it that and have no idea why I even typed it. It’s late and I’ve been balls deep on streaming apps for the past 45 minutes with no end in sight. Why can’t I pull the fucking trigger on what I wanna watch? I will fall asleep within the first three minutes anyway, so does it really matter? I guess it could. I could really get caught up in a show and the next thing I know it’s 5am and I have a 3-year-old standing in the hallway begging to go downstairs so she can jump on her trampoline and bogard the TV.

What to watch. What to watch… I could go with some Office, but I just watched a bunch of re-runs on Comedy Central. You know what’s weird about the episodes on Comedy Central though, is they blend a lot of episodes together and use scenes that weren’t in the original episodes to fill time. It can really throw you for a loop but is a nice Easter egg for Office aficionados. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia could be a good option too, but I never know where to start on those. I really like season one, but it really gets rolling when Frank shows up in season two. I can’t make a decision that tough tonight. That’s asking a lot for a guy who has been up since 4am and closing in on 24 straight hours of being awake.

Maybe I’ll just let fate decide. In college Whit made a great program for situations like this. Every movie and tv show we owned on DVD or Blu-ray was accounted for, even down to the disc number, seasons and episodes. If we were in a predicament like I’m finding myself in right now, all it took was clicking what genre we were in the mood for, pressing a button and *BAM*, it was decided. But we don’t have that luxury anymore and for some reason none of the streaming sites have random episode selections like that. The Simpsons website used to, but now they don’t. I don’t think that site was even legal, looking back on it. Oh well, I guess I dodged a bullet there.

Well shit. Now it’s 2:26am and I still don’t have anything to watch. I guess I’ll see if anything sounds good after walking up the steps. I doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.

“Sweet dreams sugar balls.”

That’s what I’d probably say to Jeff if we still lived together, but we don’t.

Wake Up With Some Morning Motivation From CeeLo Green

I don’t have much else to say other than this is the perfect way to approach this Tuesday morning. I can’t remember if CeeLo was revealed as a creep or jerk or something, but I feel like I remember him being in the news for something at one point. Don’t really feel like looking it up, so let’s just appreciate the message of this song as we fight through another shitty week of work.

I holla.

Cookin’ With Mac – Reverse Searing a Steak

If you’ve ever followed along on twitter dot com or read any of my blogs (thank you to the dozen or so that have) you probably think that most of my meals come via drive-thru or delivery. When I’m in charge of my own feast, I’d say you probably have a 95% chance of being right in assuming that. However, I am a family man and with that responsibility comes home cooked meals. Tonight’s venture into the culinary arts is the reverse sear. Cooking a steak in the oven until it’s internal temperature reaches 125-degrees for a medium rare strip steak? What kinda madness is this? you might be asking yourself.

 

I don’t know how well they turned out yet. I’m using the ten minutes required for the steaks to rest to write this #FoodBlog. If it sucks, you can expect a few tweets from the Taco Bell drive-thru later tonight. If it’s good, I’ll be sure to let you know how I’m ready to open my own steak house. You’re all invited to the grand opening. Except Jefe. I can’t risk it on my first night when all of the food critics are in town.

 

I Got Tricked by Clickbait Today and It Was Complete and Utter Bullshit

I’m not usually one to click on random articles that I know are just slide shows trying to rack up pageviews and clicks so they can sell more ads (sorry for the industry lingo, but someday when you’re in the biz, you’ll understand) but for some reason I was very intrigued when I came across this on Twitter.

Was it a horny thing because of the girl in the blue dress with the totally not touched up photo to make her stomach look flatter than a freshly planed 2×6? If you’re still confused, I’m talking about the picture on the right. The lady on the left is wearing a blouse, not a dress, idiot.

No, it wasn’t a horny thing. There are fucked up subs on Reddit where you can see much better things if you’re looking for such a thing. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I wouldn’t know.

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Ok, my wife isn’t standing behind me anymore…

Yeah. Of course I clicked on the link because of the girl in the blue dress. But again, not really a horny thing. I just wanted to know why in the fuck someone was dressed like that in Walmart. Also, she was hot.

Is she Russian? She kinda looks like she could be Russian based on some of those subreddits I’ve never been on and have only heard about. Or maybe she’s just a normal, boring American chick that is into tall, formerly in shape not completely fat, hopeless bloggers just begging for pageviews so he could sell ads like people who make Walmart slideshows that totally not horny dudes click on after seeing the thumbnail.

Just a second, shes back. 

The reason I clicked on the article was because it reminded me of a great website that we used to look at all the time in college. I don’t even know if it’s still in existence or has been bought out by another website by now.

Yep. Still a thing. And boy am I disappointed.

people of walmart

You ever see someone from high school and you can hear them think “man, what happened to him? He was always in good shape and happy. I never thought in just 15 years he’d end up overweight, miserable and have the hair of a 65-year-old man”.

That’s how I felt going to People of Walmart. That site was always so awesome and filled with incredibly absurd pictures of the patrons of Walmart. Now it’s been infiltrated by ads, and as I suspected, appears to be part of a group of websites instead of just standalone place where we could all laugh at 74-year-old men wearing yoga pants and mismatched shoes.

Ok, she’s gone again. 

What do you think she was looking at? Was she looking at the Arizona Iced Tea can to see how many calories was in it?

devil with the blue dress

Was she just a college student getting ready for the night much like we’d come across in beautiful Athens, Ohio every night? Perhaps. Again we don’t know just based on the thumbnail. And guess what. You’ll never fucking know. You know why?

Because she wasn’t even in the slideshow.

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Those sons of bitches. Noteabley? More like NotGonnaShowYouTheBabe-ly.

To say I was shooketh was an understatement. If I can’t trust a promoted tweet that was forced upon me in my timeline, what could I trust? I was so disgusted that I could hardly finish my third Wild Cherry Pepsi of the day. I mean, I did. But I didn’t enjoy it like I should have.

Now my day is ruined. I will never know why this Devil in a Blue Dress is studying the side of an Arizona Iced Tea can. Then again, maybe I will. I’m just gonna keep clicking the article until the picture shows up in the slideshow. There must be a glitch.

Introducing Mac’s Cincinnati Chili Tour

You may or may not know it, but we like our chili in Cincinnati. Coneys. 3-Ways. Burritos. Wraps. You name it. If it’s got chili on it, we’ll eat it. Some stuck up people from outside of the tri-state area might try to say it’s not actually “chili” by the true definition and is more of a meat sauce or whatever. Maybe they’re right. Truth be told, I don’t care. We call it chili and that’s what we eat multiple times a week.

And despite what Ron White might think… we probably are the Chili Capital of the World in a lot of ways.

 

First of all, who in Cincinnati actually sounds like that? I’ve lived here all my life outside of the four five years I spent on the Ohio University campus in Athens, Ohio and an additional four years in yuppie neighborhoods on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio. Sure we could walk to bars (we walked because we didn’t have Range Rovers and BMWs like everyone else) but there wasn’t a chili parlor in sight. That’s why I said “enough is enough” and moved back to the Chili Capital of the World where I could indulge as much as my heart could handle.

Yesterday was National Chili Day, and boy, was Cincinnati excited.

Ok, that’s not a Cincinnati one, but it’s one of my favorite South Park episodes so I had to include it.

Everyone on Twitter was pledging their allegiance to their favorite chili spot, which led to the ultimate question in Cincinnati… something with an answer almost as important as where you went to high school…..

.

.

.

Channel 12, you sonuvabitch. You just wanna watch the world city burn, don’t ya?

Honestly, there’s probably no wrong answer other than G*ld St*r. You might as well eat the bubonic plague infested shit of a million rats if you’re willing to stoop as low as that. But I digress.

So this whole thing got me to thinking…

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I’ve been a Skyline Chili guy my entire life. I’ve had a few other chili parlors around Cincinnati, but not enough to definitively rate, review and rank the different chili hot spots from around the tri-state area. In comes Mac’s signature “over-promise, tardy deliver”…

chili tweet 1

As you can tell from the above, this tweet set the chili world on fire. We’re talking Skyline’s habanero cheese level of fire flame emojis. 1 RT and 5 Likes don’t happen every day. And before you ask, no I don’t buy Twitter followers and likes. This is au naturel baby. The city was abuzz. Parents pulled their children out of school so they wouldn’t miss the announcement.

What did Mac have planned? What could he possibly do that would top eating 400 coneys in nine months just to be outshined by someone else who decided to eat more of the greatest culinary discovery since people discovered you had to cook meat before you ate it so you didn’t get sick?

Truth be told – even I wasn’t 100% sure. I knew I wanted to check out a lot of different chili places but in order to not be shamed for it, I knew I had to turn it into content. I needed more time to think.

chili tweet 2 One (1) Like. Ouch. Looks like the delay killed my massive audience. Oh well. I’ve already convinced myself to eat chili nonstop for the rest of the year, so the fact that I lost four likes and one retweet isn’t gonna stop me from doing it. Onward.

So here it is. I’m going to make a list of all the different chili parlors and delis/diners that offer our city’s gift to the world. Everyone has their favorite so I’m going to be relying heavily on you, the readers.. haha right.. reader to suggest places to go that I may have missed on my list. I will be getting a 3-way and a coney at each stop, and I’m going to try to pair the stops with Reds home games when possible, so anyone who wants to follow along is welcome to join. Each item will receive an individual rating and an overall score will be given to each place. It’s not gonna just be an average of the two menu item’s respective scores. I’ll rate the 3-way, coney and overall experience. Things like TVs with sports, drink offerings, Cincinnati touch, and a bunch of other variables will come into play.

So there it is. Aren’t you glad you waited an extra day and read all of this just to find out I came up with another excuse to eat coneys more than I probably should?

My hope is that people can follow along and enjoy the journey rather than get pissy if I give your favorite place a 7.4/10 instead of the 10/10 you think it deserves. Everyone likes things their own way. Some people like Skyline’s 3-ways while preferring the coneys at Blue Ash Chili. Some people prefer making their own 3-ways at home rather than eating noodles that were cooked hours ago. “Amateur 3-way” isn’t just a category on your favorite adult sites, folks.

I’m going to sit down this weekend and map out the order of the places I plan to visit. Places closer to downtown will probably get hit on Reds game days and places out in the ‘burbs will be squeezed in on random weeknights and weekends. If your grandma has a famous family chili recipe and you want me to try it, I’ll try it. Just promise not to murder me. And if you are planning on murdering me, please let me know ahead of time so I can bring along a certain member of Riverfront Radio that is big enough to defend me take a bullet for me. Not naming any names, but Jefe.

Disclaimer: This has nothing a lot to do with Skyline apparently taking me off of their mailing list and missing out on the sweet swag box they gave everyone else yesterday. I just hope they didn’t just chase me into the arms of a different chili parlor over a XXL tshirt, some sweet coasters and pint glasses. It’d be a real shame. Reaaallllllllll shaaaaaaaaaaaaammmeeeeee.

 

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Wake Up With All 10 of the 50-point Dunks in Last Night’s Slam Dunk Contest

Truth be told, I didn’t watch this year’s slam dunk contest. I know about next to nothing in regards to the NBA outside of 99% of the time Cincinnati Bearcats jump from team to team on 10-day contracts, making it nearly impossible to track their professional careers anymore. And for some reason, there never seem to be any Ohio Bobcats to keep an eye on….. not sure why on that one though.

mac standings

I do know one thing though, and that’s the fact that many people were irate about the judging and scoring of the dunk contest. Someone got screwed and Dwyane Wade made a funny face that will surely be a go-to GIF for years to come.

Sick turtleneck.

If you’re reading this and you were mad about the results, then I agree with you. If you think the judges got it right, then I agree with you as well. Whatever will keep everyone back to the site is my personal stance on DunkGate 2020. I can’t afford to lose one of my three readers, so I’m taking a huge gamble on this one and refuse to choose a side.

What’s hard to believe is there were ten (fucking ten!) dunks that the judges deemed worthy of a perfect 50.

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I’m not saying the dunks weren’t good. Hell, they were great. But you know what they say about dunk contests. If you have ten 50’s, you don’t have one. Or something like that. I couldn’t pull any of these dunks off on an 8-foot hoop.. in a video game.. with cheat codes, so who am I to say what is and isn’t worthy of a perfect score?

I think we can all agree that there were some great dunks even if they weren’t from any Bearcats or Bobcats… but who knows, maybe in a few years…

I just hope D-Wade isn’t wearing a stupid ass turtleneck and his wood shop teacher’s glasses when that day comes.

Prepare for Tonight’s Halftime Show With Shakira Music Videos

I honestly can’t remember the last time I was this excited for a Super Bowl Big Game halftime show. Sure, J-Lo is fine but Shakira is top five for your boy. Was it because she burst on to the American scene during my formidable years of horniness? Its possible. Actually, it’s not just possible. It’s probably an iron clad fact.

Anyway, now that I’ve weirded everyone out, enjoy some Shakira music videos in preparation for tonight. You’re welcome.

 

Don’t worry. I’ll still be watching the Puppy Bowl. I have two TVs, I’m not poor.

Per Reports, our Cincinnati Reds Have Signed Castellanos to a Multi-Year Deal

I’ll have more on this later today with what this means for the 2020 Reds (spoiler alert: contention) and the current roster and what we can expect heading into Spring Training. But I don’t feel like I need to explain that this is a big fucking deal. This is the second Scott Boras client the Reds have wooed into coming to Cincinnati (the other being second baseman Mike Moustakas) this offseason and firmly places them as a legit NL Central contender and possibly more.

Unbelievable. Go Reds.

The New Reds Spring Training/Batting Practice Hat is Here, and I Hate It

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Why do they have to do this shit? Why does everything have to look so goddamn stupid all the time when they introduce special editions of hats? Whatever happened to keeping it simple? Sure, throw a secondary logo on the Spring Training hats for a cash grab. They’ve been successful in doing that in previous years.

Cincinnati Reds Spring Training 59fifty Fitted | Cincinnati Reds Baseball Caps | New Era Cap

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Is that ideal? No. Ideal would be wearing an all-red with a wishbone C and no black drop shadow for every game from the day pitchers and catchers report in February until the World Series parade, but there’s zero chance in hell New Era or the MLB would allow that when they can charge people $40 to wear whatever monstrosity they create year after year.

This year’s version just looks like something you’d get at a flea market in a poor bootleg attempt at a cool hat.

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You can hardly even tell its Mr. Redlegs sliced and diced and squeezed into the iconic wishbone C. Maybe it’s the lighting, but that doesn’t even look like the correct shade of red. But I’m not gonna get all Darren Rovell on you and start talking pantones because I don’t feel like getting stuffed into a locker today. Hell, I don’t even think Pete Rose would wear this thing

Pete Rose jacket

At least from far away and on TV it might look close to what they should be wearing.

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Oh well. I’m way too angry about this on a Thursday night, so I’m gonna just let it go and feel sorry for the poor saps that get sucked into buying one of these for $40 off the clearance rack after the season is over. I’m looking at you, Jefe.

Enjoy your day, morning or evening… whenever you’re reading this. I’ve got coneys to eat.

PS – It looks like this hat was spotted at Koch Sporting Goods on 4th Street in Cincinnati. If you’re ever in the area, I highly recommend stopping by. They have so much great gear from every Cincinnati team (current and former) as well as a lot of other great local flavor on top of a plethora of stuff for every team in any league you can imagine. They’re the place to go if you need any custom jerseys as well; they do incredible work. They could use some extra business lately too since some scumbag decided to rob them this week.

Hell isn’t hot enough for whoever did that.