Wait, Why is the President Calling Me? Or is He Trying to Reach Some Guy Named James?

So this question was posed by a local news station here in Cincinnati late Saturday night on Twitter. Actually, I never know if it’s still Saturday night at 1am, or is it Sunday morning? It’s night, but technically not? I really don’t know. Its kinda late (or early) and I don’t wanna waste the few brain cells that are still awake on semantics. I guess this is what I get for following Channel 12 on Twitter when I’m a ride-or-die WLWT News 5 guy.

Anywhoooo- the question they posed was “If President Trump called you on the phone today, what would you say to him?“. Man, what a loaded question. All politics aside, what a wild day that would be. Why would he be calling me? Does he need a recommendation on what to order at Skyline? Simple, 4 Cheese Coneys and an All-Chili Burrito with sour cream and a large Mountain Dew. Does he think I’d be a good ambassador to some kick ass beach country where I could recreate the Top Gun volleyball scene every day with my homeboys in between meetings with the locals just to keep peace? I’d have to work on my abs but I’d be up for the challenge. Who knows why he’d be calling me. The possibilities are endless. It could even be a wrong number. I’ve been getting a lot of wrong number calls for some guy named James lately. Actually, I don’t think they’re wrong numbers at all; I just think some prick named James gave out my phone number and now I’m signed up for all of these call lists asking me about the extended warranty on my Buick and whether or not I’m still interested in attending a seminar about flipping houses. I don’t even own a Buick, and until I turn 60 I’m not even gonna think about test driving one, let alone need an extended warranty to cover the things the warranty from Buick won’t cover after 100,000 miles. Hell, who even knows if Buick will be around when I’m turning 60. Maybe that’s something I can talk to the president about after I figure out why he called in the first place. We’re getting sidetracked. Try to stay on topic. Whether it was a simple mistake where he mixed up a digit or it was a conscious attempt to avoid people, James can go fuck himself.

But let’s say DJT actually meant to get ahold of me and not James, I don’t even know what I’d say.

Actually, I do.

The first thing I’d say is “Hello?”. That’s just the polite thing to do and I don’t have his number in my phone so I’d have no idea who was calling in the first place. I’m not some rude person who answers with a grunt like a caveman when I don’t have the caller’s number in my phone. Does the president’s number just show up with Caller ID on everyone’s phone even if they don’t have his number saved? I’d think all calls from the White House come from a general number and redialing it would just put you into the White House switchboard so even if it showed up as coming from the White House, you’d never expect the president to be on the line.

After a polite, yet inquisitive “Hello?” I’d ask how he got my number. Ah, nevermind. The Patriot Act. That’s probably how. Either that or James gave it to him. I don’t know where James stands on the political spectrum so I guess it could be entirely possible that he and Donald rubbed elbows at a fundraiser and he wrote my number down on a form after cutting a fat check. Then again, James drives a Buick so it’s also very likely that he’s not exactly funding anyone’s campaign. Who knows though, he could be a frugal fella and picks his spots to show off his money. Again, I don’t know James and if I did, I’d have a few questions for him as well.

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After giving it a lot of thought and typing nearly 700-words on it, I’ve realized this is such a pointless question to try to answer. What would I say to the President of the United States of America if he called me?









Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not one word.

I don’t pick up numbers that aren’t saved in my phone thanks to James. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.

Prepare for Tonight’s Halftime Show With Shakira Music Videos

I honestly can’t remember the last time I was this excited for a Super Bowl Big Game halftime show. Sure, J-Lo is fine but Shakira is top five for your boy. Was it because she burst on to the American scene during my formidable years of horniness? Its possible. Actually, it’s not just possible. It’s probably an iron clad fact.

Anyway, now that I’ve weirded everyone out, enjoy some Shakira music videos in preparation for tonight. You’re welcome.


Don’t worry. I’ll still be watching the Puppy Bowl. I have two TVs, I’m not poor.

Per Reports, our Cincinnati Reds Have Signed Castellanos to a Multi-Year Deal

I’ll have more on this later today with what this means for the 2020 Reds (spoiler alert: contention) and the current roster and what we can expect heading into Spring Training. But I don’t feel like I need to explain that this is a big fucking deal. This is the second Scott Boras client the Reds have wooed into coming to Cincinnati (the other being second baseman Mike Moustakas) this offseason and firmly places them as a legit NL Central contender and possibly more.

Unbelievable. Go Reds.

The New Reds Spring Training/Batting Practice Hat is Here, and I Hate It

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Why do they have to do this shit? Why does everything have to look so goddamn stupid all the time when they introduce special editions of hats? Whatever happened to keeping it simple? Sure, throw a secondary logo on the Spring Training hats for a cash grab. They’ve been successful in doing that in previous years.

Cincinnati Reds Spring Training 59fifty Fitted | Cincinnati Reds Baseball Caps | New Era Cap

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Is that ideal? No. Ideal would be wearing an all-red with a wishbone C and no black drop shadow for every game from the day pitchers and catchers report in February until the World Series parade, but there’s zero chance in hell New Era or the MLB would allow that when they can charge people $40 to wear whatever monstrosity they create year after year.

This year’s version just looks like something you’d get at a flea market in a poor bootleg attempt at a cool hat.


You can hardly even tell its Mr. Redlegs sliced and diced and squeezed into the iconic wishbone C. Maybe it’s the lighting, but that doesn’t even look like the correct shade of red. But I’m not gonna get all Darren Rovell on you and start talking pantones because I don’t feel like getting stuffed into a locker today. Hell, I don’t even think Pete Rose would wear this thing

Pete Rose jacket

At least from far away and on TV it might look close to what they should be wearing.

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Oh well. I’m way too angry about this on a Thursday night, so I’m gonna just let it go and feel sorry for the poor saps that get sucked into buying one of these for $40 off the clearance rack after the season is over. I’m looking at you, Jefe.

Enjoy your day, morning or evening… whenever you’re reading this. I’ve got coneys to eat.

PS – It looks like this hat was spotted at Koch Sporting Goods on 4th Street in Cincinnati. If you’re ever in the area, I highly recommend stopping by. They have so much great gear from every Cincinnati team (current and former) as well as a lot of other great local flavor on top of a plethora of stuff for every team in any league you can imagine. They’re the place to go if you need any custom jerseys as well; they do incredible work. They could use some extra business lately too since some scumbag decided to rob them this week.

Hell isn’t hot enough for whoever did that.

Wake Up With Michael Scott Meeting David Brent

If you haven’t heard (which just means you haven’t been online and are very unlikely to be reading this blog to begin with), Ricky Gervais absolutely killed it at the Golden Globes last night. He was hosting for the fifth and final time (his words), so his DGAF attitude was turned up to about 143%.  For example: 

Anyway, seeing him roast the Hollywood elite reminded me of how great it was when his character from the original British version of The Office (David Brent), met the U.S. version (Michael Scott). I never watched the original Office series outside of the very first episode, which was practically recreated scene for scene in as the pilot of the U.S. version. It had its moments, but British humor, I’m sorry, humour has never really been my thing. I like Ricky Gervais in just about anything he does or when he hosts things like The Golden Globes, and I watched the shit outta Mr. Bean when I was younger (shoutout the wicked 1-2 punch that was Mr. Bean and The Red Green Show back in the day). But other than those two very specific examples, just not my bag, baby.

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So here ya go.. what you clicked the blog for. Enjoy Michael Scott and David Brent meeting for the first time on The Office.


2020: The Return of The Mac

I’m not really big on New Year’s Resolutions. That’s mostly because I’ve always failed at them when I’ve tried. Don’t even get me started on Lenten promises. I think I’ve succeeded once in my 33 years at that as well, which was when I gave up pop (that’s soda, if you’re a savage) during my junior year of college. But with New Year’s Resolutions, they’re always the same.

I want to lose 30lbs.

I’m not gonna eat fast food anymore.

I’m going to quit drinking during the workday.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt. Continue reading