Introducing Mac’s Cincinnati Chili Tour

You may or may not know it, but we like our chili in Cincinnati. Coneys. 3-Ways. Burritos. Wraps. You name it. If it’s got chili on it, we’ll eat it. Some stuck up people from outside of the tri-state area might try to say it’s not actually “chili” by the true definition and is more of a meat sauce or whatever. Maybe they’re right. Truth be told, I don’t care. We call it chili and that’s what we eat multiple times a week.

And despite what Ron White might think… we probably are the Chili Capital of the World in a lot of ways.

 

First of all, who in Cincinnati actually sounds like that? I’ve lived here all my life outside of the four five years I spent on the Ohio University campus in Athens, Ohio and an additional four years in yuppie neighborhoods on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio. Sure we could walk to bars (we walked because we didn’t have Range Rovers and BMWs like everyone else) but there wasn’t a chili parlor in sight. That’s why I said “enough is enough” and moved back to the Chili Capital of the World where I could indulge as much as my heart could handle.

Yesterday was National Chili Day, and boy, was Cincinnati excited.

Ok, that’s not a Cincinnati one, but it’s one of my favorite South Park episodes so I had to include it.

Everyone on Twitter was pledging their allegiance to their favorite chili spot, which led to the ultimate question in Cincinnati… something with an answer almost as important as where you went to high school…..

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.

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Channel 12, you sonuvabitch. You just wanna watch the world city burn, don’t ya?

Honestly, there’s probably no wrong answer other than G*ld St*r. You might as well eat the bubonic plague infested shit of a million rats if you’re willing to stoop as low as that. But I digress.

So this whole thing got me to thinking…

Image result for thinking gif

I’ve been a Skyline Chili guy my entire life. I’ve had a few other chili parlors around Cincinnati, but not enough to definitively rate, review and rank the different chili hot spots from around the tri-state area. In comes Mac’s signature “over-promise, tardy deliver”…

chili tweet 1

As you can tell from the above, this tweet set the chili world on fire. We’re talking Skyline’s habanero cheese level of fire flame emojis. 1 RT and 5 Likes don’t happen every day. And before you ask, no I don’t buy Twitter followers and likes. This is au naturel baby. The city was abuzz. Parents pulled their children out of school so they wouldn’t miss the announcement.

What did Mac have planned? What could he possibly do that would top eating 400 coneys in nine months just to be outshined by someone else who decided to eat more of the greatest culinary discovery since people discovered you had to cook meat before you ate it so you didn’t get sick?

Truth be told – even I wasn’t 100% sure. I knew I wanted to check out a lot of different chili places but in order to not be shamed for it, I knew I had to turn it into content. I needed more time to think.

chili tweet 2 One (1) Like. Ouch. Looks like the delay killed my massive audience. Oh well. I’ve already convinced myself to eat chili nonstop for the rest of the year, so the fact that I lost four likes and one retweet isn’t gonna stop me from doing it. Onward.

So here it is. I’m going to make a list of all the different chili parlors and delis/diners that offer our city’s gift to the world. Everyone has their favorite so I’m going to be relying heavily on you, the readers.. haha right.. reader to suggest places to go that I may have missed on my list. I will be getting a 3-way and a coney at each stop, and I’m going to try to pair the stops with Reds home games when possible, so anyone who wants to follow along is welcome to join. Each item will receive an individual rating and an overall score will be given to each place. It’s not gonna just be an average of the two menu item’s respective scores. I’ll rate the 3-way, coney and overall experience. Things like TVs with sports, drink offerings, Cincinnati touch, and a bunch of other variables will come into play.

So there it is. Aren’t you glad you waited an extra day and read all of this just to find out I came up with another excuse to eat coneys more than I probably should?

My hope is that people can follow along and enjoy the journey rather than get pissy if I give your favorite place a 7.4/10 instead of the 10/10 you think it deserves. Everyone likes things their own way. Some people like Skyline’s 3-ways while preferring the coneys at Blue Ash Chili. Some people prefer making their own 3-ways at home rather than eating noodles that were cooked hours ago. “Amateur 3-way” isn’t just a category on your favorite adult sites, folks.

I’m going to sit down this weekend and map out the order of the places I plan to visit. Places closer to downtown will probably get hit on Reds game days and places out in the ‘burbs will be squeezed in on random weeknights and weekends. If your grandma has a famous family chili recipe and you want me to try it, I’ll try it. Just promise not to murder me. And if you are planning on murdering me, please let me know ahead of time so I can bring along a certain member of Riverfront Radio that is big enough to defend me take a bullet for me. Not naming any names, but Jefe.

Disclaimer: This has nothing a lot to do with Skyline apparently taking me off of their mailing list and missing out on the sweet swag box they gave everyone else yesterday. I just hope they didn’t just chase me into the arms of a different chili parlor over a XXL tshirt, some sweet coasters and pint glasses. It’d be a real shame. Reaaallllllllll shaaaaaaaaaaaaammmeeeeee.

 

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Derek Dietrich Lived a Day in My Shoes. I Just Hope He Doesn’t Gain Weight and Start Blogging

Athletes, they’re just like us!

With a day off between interleague match-ups, Derek Dietrich took a break from running laps in the heads of Pittsburgh TV analysts and went on a tour of Cincinnati to prove that he’s a Cincinnati Red through and through. Continue reading

What I Plan on Doing With My Powerball and Mega Millions Winnings

A lot of people say “money can’t buy you happiness”. Then again, people say a lot of dumb shit that isn’t true. Would that same idiot tell me that if they just won in the neighborhood of $1 billion? I didn’t think so, 1977.

make it rain

USA Today -A record-smashing Mega Millions prize could be awaiting a lucky winner when the multi-state lottery and Powerball kick off a two-day, $1 billion jackpot grab Tuesday night.

The Mega Millions jackpot is currently $654 million, just $2 million short of the lottery’s record. Powerball’s jackpot also represents: There is a top prize of at least $345 million on Wednesday. Both totals are expected to rise.

If you want all the Mega Millions money up front, the payout on $654 million is a paltry $372 million. You can cash out Powerball’s $345 million jackpot for $199 million.

There are two schools of thought here. Some people think you should use the annuity option because you’ll spend the winnings quicker than you think. Some people don’t trust the lottery system and would take the lump sum just to guarantee the cash and use their own methods to earn additional money on their winnings. I don’t trust the lottery, so I’m cashing the tickets out the second I see the numbers on the nightly news.

What will I do with my newfound fortune? Naturally I’ll do the standard things, like buy a nice plot of land with a house for each of my family members and friends. The people I don’t really like that much but would feel left out if I didn’t include them will get cars. One member of Milliron Sports will be left off that list, but I’ll let you decide who that is. Would you be a house or car person? Or would you be like Hungry the lucky fellow blogger/podcaster left out completely? I can already hear your pores spilling sweat all over your foreheads as you think back on whether you’ve been nice enough to me to earn a house or car. Don’t worry, there’s still time before the drawings to save your fate. The rest of the money would be spent on other things most people wouldn’t think of with their tiny, non-lottery winning brains. You know, things like :  Continue reading

I’ve Never Been Self Conscious About My Voice Until Today

Today was just like any other Sunday. I had some chili brewing in the slow-cooker while I was waiting on the early NFL games to start and I was already trying to decide which wall to punch a hole through if the Bengals decided to break my heart. The topic of Patrick Mahomes’ voice came up in the Mac Household so I did a Google search to see what gems were out there on the internet with voice-mashups and funny antidotes about the breakout QB’s extremely unique voice.

Pretty normal, tame stuff. No harm, no foul. Then I came across this head-scratcher:  Continue reading

Trade Deadline Passes Without Matt Harvey Being Dealt

When the Reds acquired Matt Harvey from the New York Mets in exchange for Devin Mesoraco in May, the assumption was they’d move him on or before the July 31st trade deadline. Harvey’s Mets career had come to an unceremonious end in New York and the Reds were willing to take a chance on the former All-Star and hope to get a nice return in a trade. Harvey is on an expiring contract and by all accounts he and his agent Scott Boras (ever heard of him?) plan on testing the free agent market in the off-season.

Everyone thought today was the day, but as 4PM struck, Matt Harvey was still a Red. And he and his teammates seem happy about it.  Continue reading

If This is the End, I’ll Miss You Matt Harvey

With the July 31st trade deadline looming, its very possible Saturday night was the last we’ll see of Matt Harvey in a Reds uniform*. To say the trade to bring Matt Harvey from New York was a success would be a major understatement. A lot of people scoffed at the idea and predicted he’d be unhappy in Cincinnati, leading to poor performance and clubhouse drama. In fact, the exact opposite has happened. By all accounts, Matt Harvey has been a valuable asset on and off the field. Other veterans on the team don’t want him to be traded, and that tells me all I need to know about Matt Harvey.  Continue reading

There Are Nasty Rumors About Me Being Spread, and I’d Like to Address Them

If you listened to last week’s Nati Boys episode, you know by now that I wasn’t part of the podcast ensemble because of a lovely beach vacation with my beautiful family. Chances are you stopped listening after that news was delivered within the first few minutes of the show and I can’t really blame you. Nobody wants to listen to a podcast hosted by a soccer fan, a Laker fan and Melissa McCarthy’s stunt double.  Continue reading