Forget the Hair – Is Anyone Else Concerned About John Cena’s Veins?

People that know me know that I’m a big symmetry guy. I can’t stand when something is off-centered or uneven. Watching me spread cream cheese on a bagel or in a beautiful casserole dish when making Skyline Chili dip could make the Pope cuss. That’s one of the reasons I don’t work out. I’m afraid one of arms or legs will get bigger than the other one and completely ruin my life. I’d rather have a heart attack as a fat slob than know my right arm is 1/8-inch  bigger than the other… which brings me to John Cena. Continue reading

Charlotte Flair Is a Better Man Than I Am

Sweet mother of God. That looked painful.

For those of you unaware, tonight was WWE’s annual Tables, Ladders and Chairs pay-per-view. Speaking of which, I’m not really sure why they still call them pay-per-views in the WWE. You have to subscribe to the WWE Network (award winning, if you hadn’t heard) in order to watch any of the pay-per-views so you’re not really paying per view, if that makes sense.  Either way, that’s what was on tonight, running in concurrence with the Rams shitting the bed and not knowing how to get out of bounds when you don’t have any timeouts left. If you didn’t feel like watching 300lb men collide over and over again while you lost your bets, you could flip over to the WWE Network to see a bunch of overgrown human beings slam each other through tables, fall from 20ft ladders and get their ribs rearranged by metal chairs. Continue reading

Triple H’s Torn Pectoral Muscle Makes Me Want to Consider Signing a DNR

I hope nobody is eating while reading this. If so, stop eating on the toilet. That’s gross.

If you were one of the many people who had faux outrage over the Crown Jewel pay-per-view the WWE held in Saudi Arabia over the weekend and still watched, you could tell Triple H was pretty messed up by the end of the match. Now we have the photo evidence that Triple H did, in fact destroy his pectoral muscle at some point during the showdown between DX and the Brothers of Destruction.  Continue reading

Rae Carruth Is a Free Man and People Are Trying To Buy His Jersey. Meanwhile Brendan Dassey Can’t Watch WrestleMania

By now you’ve heard that Rae Carruth, quite possibly the most despicable human being on the planet, was released from prison after serving 19 years for conspiring to murder his 8-month pregnant girlfriend. I’m not sure how someone like that ever gets out of prison, but that’s not why I’m here. I’ll let Whitty break that down in his upcoming soccer blogs.

My biggest gripe is the idiots that are celebrating his release by trying to buy his jersey. I understood the Michael Vick Halloween costumes where they’d have their dog with them. I didn’t think it was funny, but I saw why a 19-year-old college sophomore might. I was busy wearing a very tight Spider-Man costume and a Woopie Cushion costume that I turned inside out and wrote “DOUCHE BAG” on it. Much much better than wearing a Michael Vick jersey with my dog by my side, right? I like to think a lot of people were walking around Halloween parties in the mid-90’s wearing poor-fitting leather gloves. It’s too bad we didn’t have cameras back then to document such parties, but hopefully researches will find a stone tablet with that image chiseled into it someday.

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Can we take a second to appreciate how awesome the officer on the right is? When he’s not escorting former NFL running backs through the courtroom I bet he’s busy yelling at his kids for turning up the thermostat and asking his wife “how on God’s green earth someone can spend $13 at Smoothie King”.  Continue reading

Brie Bella Accidentally Knocked Out Liv Morgan on Monday Night Raw, Reminding Us That Even Fake Fighting Can Hurt Like Hell

Yeah yeah yeah, we all know. Wrestling is fake. I don’t watch it thinking I’m actually getting a combat sport that isn’t staged or has a predetermined outcome. It’s a television sitcom that combines sometimes decent story lines and some of the most athletically gifted human beings on the planet.

Every now and then we’re reminded that things can go wrong in the ring if someone is rusty or an opponent isn’t expecting certain moves. Tonight, Liv Morgan appeared to be knocked out cold by Brie Bella’s “Yes Kicks”. We might not know the real story anytime soon, but it looks like Brie Bella unintentionally caught Liv with a kick to the face, which stunned her, leaving her unprepared for the next kick to knock her out cold.

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I hope Liv is ok, and by all accounts it sounds like she’s fine and is being evaluated backstage. She ended up finishing the match after all. Must’ve been a hockey player in a former life.

Now back to football.

I’m Convinced The Undertaker Is Trying to Die in the Ring

Every year we hear that it’s the last of the Deadman. Every year the WWE needs filler or a big name to try to drum up more WWE Network subscriptions right before WrestleMania. This year the “Undertaker is back” story line got started a little early because of their show in Australia where he’ll take on Triple H FOR. THE. LAST. TIME. EVER! *wink*wink*  Continue reading

The Undertaker’s “Surprise” Appearance at WrestleMania Breeds Copycat Acts in the High School Ranks

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USA TODAY – A high school girl from Georgia arrived to prom in a casket, and videos of the reveal have since gone viral.

“I was shocked,” Alexandrea Clark told 11Alive over Skype Monday. “I didn’t know that it was going to go that viral.”

Clark arrived to her senior prom in a hearse on Saturday at Americus Sumter High School. She took the short, five to 10-minute ride from the funeral home to school. She said her vision for her grand entrance was two years in the making.

What in the actual fuck? If you read the whole article, which I reluctantly did, Alexandrea said this was a way to encourage her classmates to not drink and drive. I get that, but I always found the snatching-keys-with-two-fingered-poke-to-the-sternum more effective. Showing up in a casket inside a hearse is bizarre despite the meanings behind the act. Ms. Clark plans on being a funeral director after school, which is great and all, but I planned on being a huge disappointment to my family after school and guess what, I went to prom like the rest of my classmates rather than showing up as my future self (40lbs overweight and losing hair faster than you can say Propecia). I don’t know what would be creepier: post-late-20’s Mac showing up to a high school prom or chicks rolling up in caskets.   Continue reading