How Late is Too Late to Start Watching TV?

I’m sitting here at 1:14am (Eastern Time Zone, for reference) and I’m caught up in quite the predicament. Is it too late to start watching something on Netflix or Hulu? Perhaps Disney+ or Apple TV? Actually, Amazon Prime has some good options too. I really don’t know what I’d watch even if I decided to watch something. Fuck, I forgot about HBO Go. Now I really don’t know what to do. I know a lot of people are pissed off about some Emma show that charged $20 to stream. I looked it up and it doesn’t really look like my thing. Old timey stuff? Hard pass. But then again.. no. I can’t even act like I’d even consider it. There’s some tiger documentary out. Or Tiger Man or something. I heard it’s pretty fucked up so I’ll probably want to give that my full attention. I really need to start watching something that I can fall asleep to and not be bummed out if Hulu keeps playing through the night and I lose my spot. You see, Netflix gets shit on a lot for the “Are you still watching?” prompt that pops up around the sixth episode of The Office people are watching, but that is a huge asset for people like me who fall asleep before the intro stops playing on a lot of TV shows.

Speaking of TV show intros, when Dan and I were roomies at OU, we would always pass out to Chappelle’s Show DVDs and wake up to the intro song playing over and over again on the menu page after all of the episodes on that disc played.

Back then, streaming services weren’t in existence yet and you were forced to spend upwards of $30 per season of a TV show you really liked. Sometimes you could get them for $20, but that wasn’t something you could bank on. Around the holidays sometimes Whitty and I would cash in on the BOGO offer at Best Buy on HBO sets. Buddy, did we watch some Entourage and Curb Your Enthusiasm… mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhh.

But now that I don’t have to worry about DVDs or Blu-rays (because I packed them all up and put them in storage a few months ago), I have just about every streaming subscription known to mankind. If it streams video, I have it. Except for the premium sites with lady parts. I don’t pay for that. There’s all kinds of free sites for that. I’m happily married with two kids.

So what should I watch? I’ve been scrolling on my phone trying to find something that I can watch on my iPad. I know it makes no sense but its easier to hold a phone rather than sit here with an iPad while I ramble on and on in a blog that three people will read tomorrow morning while taking their morning dumps and hiding from their kids.

Maybe I’ll watch some more episodes of 30 Rock. Well, that might not be a good idea now that I think about it. It’s on Hulu and this is my first time watching the series so I don’t want to fall asleep in the middle of an episode and have the full season play through and have no idea where I was when I slipped in to dreamy dream world. That’s what I call it. Ok, I lied. I’ve literally never called it that and have no idea why I even typed it. It’s late and I’ve been balls deep on streaming apps for the past 45 minutes with no end in sight. Why can’t I pull the fucking trigger on what I wanna watch? I will fall asleep within the first three minutes anyway, so does it really matter? I guess it could. I could really get caught up in a show and the next thing I know it’s 5am and I have a 3-year-old standing in the hallway begging to go downstairs so she can jump on her trampoline and bogard the TV.

What to watch. What to watch… I could go with some Office, but I just watched a bunch of re-runs on Comedy Central. You know what’s weird about the episodes on Comedy Central though, is they blend a lot of episodes together and use scenes that weren’t in the original episodes to fill time. It can really throw you for a loop but is a nice Easter egg for Office aficionados. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia could be a good option too, but I never know where to start on those. I really like season one, but it really gets rolling when Frank shows up in season two. I can’t make a decision that tough tonight. That’s asking a lot for a guy who has been up since 4am and closing in on 24 straight hours of being awake.

Maybe I’ll just let fate decide. In college Whit made a great program for situations like this. Every movie and tv show we owned on DVD or Blu-ray was accounted for, even down to the disc number, seasons and episodes. If we were in a predicament like I’m finding myself in right now, all it took was clicking what genre we were in the mood for, pressing a button and *BAM*, it was decided. But we don’t have that luxury anymore and for some reason none of the streaming sites have random episode selections like that. The Simpsons website used to, but now they don’t. I don’t think that site was even legal, looking back on it. Oh well, I guess I dodged a bullet there.

Well shit. Now it’s 2:26am and I still don’t have anything to watch. I guess I’ll see if anything sounds good after walking up the steps. I doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.

“Sweet dreams sugar balls.”

That’s what I’d probably say to Jeff if we still lived together, but we don’t.

Recover From Your Morning Commute With Dennis Reynolds’ Road Rage From It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 

There aren’t too many better television characters from our generation than Dennis Reynolds on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I feel like just about anyone who watches the show can see a little bit of themselves in Dennis no matter how dark his sociopathic behavior is. I’m not saying we’re all sociopaths (we are), but Dennis is the perfect blend of common man and too-crazy-to-be-real that we all love to watch.

His commute back and forth to work after moving to the suburbs for an episode proved that no matter how bitchin’ your 1993 Range Rover is, you’re just as susceptible of crossing paths with fat cows and stupid bitches like the rest of us.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go explain to my co-workers why I’m covered in blood. (It’s because I had to slit the guy’s throat who causes all the traffic. Dennis’ words, not mine).  

Here’s some soothing Brian Adams to help bring your blood pressure down. It didn’t seem to help Dennis but maybe it’ll work for you.

 

Wake Up With The Best Rickyisms From Trailer Park Boys

If you’ve never watched Trailer Park Boys, you’re missing out. It’s pretty much The Office only it’s about deviants in a Canadian trailer park instead of 9-5ers at a paper company. One of the main characters, Ricky, is well known for getting popular sayings or colloquialisms wrong. Some of my most used phrases come from Ricky.

“Getting two birds stoned at once”

“Worst case Ontario”

“I fucking atodaso”

Maybe someday if you’re nice, I’ll post a picture of my Ricky costume from Halloween a few years ago. But until then, you can “make like a tree and fuck off.”

Wake Up With Ron Swanson Taking Calls on Pawnee Today

There’s an awful lot of wisdom packed into these 35-seconds of Ron Swanson Greatness. Don’t believe me? Watch for yourself and tell me what’s wrong about anything he says.

I just have one question for Ron.. Why Herbie: Fully Loaded?

You know what, it doesn’t matter. I trust your judgement. God bless you Ron, and God bless America.

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Should The Sandlot’s TV Reboot Excite or Depress Me?

When I saw this, I felt a million different emotions. Excited, confused, depressed.. you name it. Would they all be reuniting and playing in a men’s beer league softball game? Would they just be reliving the glory days and telling stories to their kids like Grown Ups? Don’t even try to tell me Grown Ups isn’t a cinematic classic. It might not work well in this case but it’s fucking brilliant when Adam Sandler, Kevin James, David Spade and Chris Rock are at the helm. Ever heard of them? Oh yeah, and the “YOU CAN DO IT!!!” guy from Waterboy is in it too. Yes, I know his name is Rob Schneider but it’s funnier to just call him the YOU CAN DO IT! guy because it was such a throwaway part that has pretty much become his most quoted line of his career. Well, except for this one.

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It looks like we’re going to be getting a hybrid of my initial thoughts/fears. Continue reading

Somebody Compiled All of Tom Haverford’s Business Ideas From Parks and Recreation, and Folks… Someone Better Call Shark Tank

They were spread out across seven seasons so it was hard to keep track of them all, but Tom Haverford had some pretty impressive business ideas. In fact, there are three to four ideas that I probably would’ve lost a ton of money investing in. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been offered a chair on Shark Tank yet.

Lucky for us, someone stayed up way too late one night and spliced them all together in a four minute video for our viewing pleasure. Continue reading

The Office Episode Where Dwight Cuts the Face off of a CPR Dummy Saved Someones Life in Arizona

tucson.com – Nothing in Cross Scott’s life prepared him for finding a woman slumped over her steering wheel, her lips blue. He says he just reacted. He broke a back window, opened her door and crawled on top of her. With no training, he gave her CPR that may have saved her life.

What popped into Scott’s head was an episode of the television show “The Office” in which character Michael Scott (actor Steve Carell) sings the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” while doing chest compressions on a dummy. The episode, where the gang takes an in-office CPR course, could actually be a tutorial in what not to do. The one thing it got right was using that song as a meter — the correct tempo for chest compressions.

This is proof that TV isn’t just rotting our brains and making our world a worse place. Is it sad that someone had to rely on something they learned from binge watching a television show to save someone’s life? Maybe, but things are different these days. School doesn’t really teach you many life lessons on how to actually survive in the world. Paying bills, fixing a flat tire, budgeting for a normal lifestyle without blowing every dollar you earn? Ahhh, that’s for the birds. All that matters is you know that noble gases are inert since they have completed outer electron shells*. Isn’t that what you’re worried about when you’re trying to avoid getting your water shut off for the third time in six months? Continue reading

Wake Up With The Best of Rafi From The League

I’m sure by now you’re either looking forward to the 2019 fantasy football season or praying Patrick Mahomes doesn’t get hurt during your playoff run. Either way, I think we can all agree that every fantasy league has an… uhhh, let’s say “interesting” member. The hit show The League on FX and FXX was no different. If it wasn’t Taco making us laugh because he was too stoned to care about starting a full roster, it was Rafi making us laugh and want to puke at the same time. Regardless of where you’re at on the fantasy football spectrum for the remainder of the season, I think we should all take some time to appreciate Rafi. Have yourself a Wednesday, folks.

EXTREMELY NSFW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK, FOR JEFE)

offensive brutecant look away

Mr. Feeny Is Too Busy Fighting Burglars to Die

Talk about a classic “crap your pants while you’re driving home from the zoo” moment when I came across this headline at a red light (no texting/tweeting while driving in my reasonably priced luxury sedan). Mr. Feeny dying would be the saddest non-family member bad news I think I could receive. I’m not even willing to put any of my friends ahead of Mr. Feeny, because unlike my friends, Mr. Feeny was always there for me from 2-3pm on ABC Family. I don’t wanna point any fingers or call anyone out but sometimes Whitty won’t respond to my texts for up to 2 minutes after I send them. Again, not to call anyone out but did Mr. Feeny ever show up 2 minutes late during the weekdays? That’s what I thought.   Continue reading

Television’s Hottest Moms Power Rankings [POSSIBLE SITCOM SPOILERS]

**DISCLAIMER: This list was completed with the upmost respect for all of the lucky moms that were selected. They are all great moms (except for a few of them) and that should not be overshadowed by their killer bods and good looks**

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It’s an annual tradition at Milliron Sports for the Mother’s Day release of Television’s Hottest Moms Power Rankings. To this date, it’s probably our most successful annual blog that is in it’s first year of publication. If you haven’t caught on yet, this is the first and probably only time I’ll be doing this. Not because I’m afraid of the naysayers and haters coming out of the woodwork and questioning my rankings, but for a few other reasons: 1. I don’t watch much new TV so the odds of someone coming onto my radar and supplanting a mom from my Top 10 is unlikely, and 2. like anything else we do, I’ll probably forget to update the rankings in 2019 assuming we’re still in existence (the site, not humanity. Although I suppose I could be talking about both).

Enough about me complaining about not having enough time to watch tv and questioning the threat of nuclear war wiping us off the planet… onto the rankings:

Continue reading