Mac and Whitty’s NFL Uniform Power Rankings (32-25)

Mac and Whitty have a lot of similar interests. One thing they almost universally agree on is what makes a uniform good or bad. In the spirit of the NFL Divisional Round Weekend, they decided to power rank the NFL uniforms. Each genius made their list, 32 being the worst, 1 the best. In the event of two teams’ rankings average being a tie, the city with the lowest elevation got the nod, because low man always wins. Here we go…

 

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (Mac: 32, Whitty 32)

Embed from Getty Images
Mac: Embarrassing. That’s really all you can say about Jacksonville’s helmet. If they needed extra cash to finish painting their helmets, they could’ve just called the Milliron Sports office and we would’ve floated them the funds to avoid having to look at these atrocities every Sunday. Be better, Jaguars. They look like an NFL Europe reboot, which makes perfect sense now that I think about it…

Whitty: Yikes. This uniform has just about everything I hate in it. Weird number font. Partial stripe on the pants. Weird trim around the collar. And the helmet. My god, the helmet. I don’t know how anyone thought that was a good idea. I actually like the black, teal and gold color combination, and think it could look good if done right. The Jags unis are not done right.

 

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Mac: 31, Whitty 31) 

Embed from Getty Images
Mac: The Bucs may have the worst number font used in all of sports. It reminds me of some of my drawings as a kid where I’d fail miserably to recreate the electronic numbers seen on scoreboards (I drew a lot of sports pictures, sue me). Pair this with the fact that their equipment manager ordered the wrong decal size for their helmet, and you’re looking at a disaster of a uniform.

Whitty: There’s not much to like here. The helmet logo is too big, I’m not a fan of the contrasting shoulder panels, the quarter-stripe at the bottom of the pants is pointless and the number font looks ugly. Extra points off for the font because it reminds me of an alarm clock, which gives me anxiety about waking up early for work. Do everyone a favor and go back to the old school creamsicle jerseys.

 

30. Seattle Seahawks (Mac: 30, Whitty: 29)

Embed from Getty Images
Mac: I feel like Tony Sparano every time I watch the Seahawks because the neon green accent is just too bright for an NFL uniform. “Slap on the shades bro, the Seahawks are on SNF for the 48th time this season”. The texture of their numbers and random helmet panel also don’t belong on an NFL uniform. This is the type of stuff I’d expect out of a PAC-12 team trying to look cool and relevant for recruits at their 11:30PM ET kickoff.

Whitty: There’s a lot going on here, and most of it sucks. The neon green just looks out of place. The strange stripe pattern on the pants doesn’t make sense and the shoulder stripes aren’t much better. Another team that would benefit from dialing the clock back 20 years or so.

 

29. Cincinnati Bengals (Mac: 29, Whitty: 28)

Embed from Getty Images
Mac: I’m convinced that the Bengals’ uniforms are a product of Mike Brown and the NFL going to a stoned 15-year-old kid and handing him all the XP he needed to create a uniform on an outdated version of Madden since those jerks at EA got rid of the uniform creation mode because they’re snowflakes and can’t handle a very handsome blogger in Ohio creating better uniforms than their bosses at the NFL. I am cool with the helmet, but the stripes on the shoulder and different color panels on the away uniform are enough to send me into an OCD fit of rage. Bring back the classic looks from when us Bengals fans were just happy to get six wins, because that’s the state of the team anyway.

Whitty: I love the Bengals helmets. They’re unique and classic, but that’s about the only positive part of their current uniform set. The number font looks bad, I hate the contrasting sleeve/shoulder panels (especially on the white jersey) and I don’t like the shortened pants stripe that wraps around the front. I’d love to see them go back to the uniforms from the 90’s and early 2000’s.

 

28. Arizona Cardinals (Mac: 27, Whitty: 27) 

Embed from Getty Images
Mac: If we were doing rankings based on helmets alone, then Arizona would find themselves in the top 5. I don’t know why, but the plain white helmet with the simple Cardinal logo just gets me. Their white helmet seems so much cleaner and crisper than any other organization. It’s too bad the uniforms didn’t follow suit. The busy panels of alternating colors make it look like Larry Fitzgerald is sweating whiteout (Bic sponsorship in the works??) and the road uniforms get even busier. I preferred the Cardinals when they were the worst organization in football and their uniforms looked like practice jerseys.

Whitty: This uniform set has a lot of unnecessary details to make it seem more “modern”, but they should have kept it simple. I don’t like the sleeve stripe style and I’m normally not a fan of uniforms with side panels on the jersey or tapered pants stripes.  

27. Cleveland Browns via elevation tie breaker with Arizona (Mac: 24, Whitty: 30)

Embed from Getty Images
Mac: Hahahahahahahaha – so let’s get this straight: a team, who’s only redeeming quality for the entire history of their franchise was the fact that they had some of the best uniforms in the NFL despite their poorly chosen color scheme, decides to do a uniform shake up and comes up with this?? El oh f’n el. The stripes, the 1996 3D number font, the “CLEVELAND” across the chest like they’re a high school team, “BROWNS” down the side of their leg like they were afraid they’d get their pants mixed up with another team’s at a slumber party. Thank you for being you, Cleveland. Never change (unless you’re going back to your old uniform look).

Whitty: Cleveland probably has the worst color scheme in the league, but for the longest time they still managed to look halfway decent thanks to a very simple, classic uniform template. They ditched the classic look in recent years in favor of something more modern, which is a major downgrade. Hate the dropshadow on the numbers. Hate the truncated pants stripe and hate the “BROWNS” wordmark down the side of the pants. If nothing else, I’d say this uniform is fittingly terrible for a terrible football team.

 

26. Atlanta Falcons (Mac: 26, Whitty: 26)

Embed from Getty Images
Mac: *Copy & paste the Cardinals write-up* You can tell the Cardinals and Falcons got uniform redesigns around the same time, because they have the same fatal flaws. Too many small panels and weird lines all over the uniform. Two franchises that had solid uniforms have been ruined by the need to look cool for jersey sales. Sure, 10-year-old kids in Nebraska might be rocking a $75 Julio Jones jersey because they like the red, black, and white confetti look. But is it really worth it? Is it?

Whitty: (See “Cardinals”). Another uniform that got worse when it was “modernized”. The sleeve panel color seems a bit much, and I hate the thin, tapered pants stripe. When they switched to their current set they also updated the Falcon logo, I assume to make it look more fierce. Seems unnecessary but I don’t hate it. I could do without the rest though. 

 

25. Tennessee Titans (Mac: 28, Whitty: 23)

Embed from Getty Images
Mac: Do the Titans look like a team that designed their uniforms to be cool and hip heading into the new millennium? Yes, they do. In fact, they are still playing in the same uniforms since 1999 when they made the full transition from the Houston Oilers old (fresh-to-death) jump-offs. The logo looks like a comet with a “T” slapped on the side, and the two-toned shoulders look like hot garbage if they aren’t lined up perfectly on the shoulder pads. I would recommend going back to the classic Oilers look with a reimagined Titans logo. That’s just me though, you know, the consumer (who doesn’t buy jerseys).

Whitty: I feel like I should hate these uniforms more than I actually do. I like the combination of colors that they work into the uniforms and while the font template isn’t quite as traditional as some teams, it doesn’t look bad. The thing I don’t like is the contrasting shoulder panels. I prefer a jersey that’s more or less one color (with the exception of any logos, numbers and stripes). I also can’t stand helmets that have stripes that don’t go all the way back. Overall it’s not a terrible look, but definitely could use an update.

Wake Up With Whitty – 1/8/2018

Tired of waiting for the next great blog from yours truly?  You’re not alone.  The world has been clamoring for more Whitty.  And I can’t blame you one bit.  But you’re in luck, because I’m back and better than ever.  We’ve officially made it to another year.  Welcome to 2018, folks.  Is this the year your favorite team finally breaks through to the next level and wins itself a long-awaited championship?  No.  No it’s not.  You’re doomed to a lifetime of sports despair, just like me.  (Unless you’re an Alabama fan, I guess).  But that’s okay.  There are plenty of other things you can find joy in during this new year.  You could take some time away from your phone/tablet/computer to get out and enjoy the beauty of nature.  You could spend some quality time bonding with family and friends.  You could pick up a new hobby or skill.  Or you could enjoy the latest edition of your favorite blogger’s “weekly” recurring post.  Speaking of which, here’s your first Wake Up With Whitty of 2018. Continue reading

Wake Up With Whitty – 12/25/2017

Ho ho ho and welcome to a special Christmas edition of Wake Up With Whitty. We’re in the part of the sports year where the NHL and NBA seasons are starting to pick up, there’s an obscure bowl game on TV every single day and we’re getting the weird Saturday evening NFL games. Yesterday we had a small Christmas miracle in Cincinnati when the Bengals beat a Lions team that had playoff aspirations heading into the weekend. The Negative Nancies will point out the fact that the Bengals only managed to hurt their draft position by winning, which may be true, but I’d still rather see a win than a loss any day. Call me old fashioned.

With the holidays in full swing, what better time than now to start a new Christmas tradition? You’ve got your family gathered together as you unwrap presents beneath the glow of the tree while listening to crackle of the fire coming from the Yule Log app on your TV. Sure, you could have made a real fire but who wants to go through that hassle? Plus your stockings have all been hung by the chimney, presumably with care, and that’s a fire hazard, so Netflix will have to do. So what better way to keep up the festive atmosphere than by reading some random blogger’s thoughts on a few obscure sports topics? Gather up the fam and check out the latest edition of Wake Up With Whitty!

Continue reading

Wake Up With Whitty – 12/18/2017

Good morning Good evening Hello and welcome to another edition of Wake Up With Whitty. We’re midway through December and the unthinkable has happened. The Bengals have been officially eliminated from playoff contention. I know, I’m as shocked as you are. I could’ve sworn they’d clinched a playoff spot like three weeks ago since they’ve played so well this year. The good news is that Bengals fans can watch the last two weeks of the season without worrying about the games’ outcomes. At this point the best case for the Bengals would be to lose out in order to get the best possible draft pick, but I just can’t get on #TeamTank. It feels wrong. So I’ll continue to pull for the Bengals to win, knowing that if they don’t then they’re still going to better their draft position. It’s win-win. Or lose-lose, I’m not quite sure. Anyways, here’s Wake Up With Whitty.

Continue reading

Wake Up With Whitty – 12/10/2017

Hello and welcome to another edition of Wake Up With Whitty. I’m coming to you late once again, and in a surprisingly okay mood despite the Bengals debacle against the Bears this afternoon. That’s most likely because I slept through the majority of the game, so I didn’t actually have to experience it. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Wow Whitty, some fan you are. Not even watching your team play just because they’re having a down season? You must not be a big sports guy.” Well, my friend, I’m currently battling a severely mild upper respiratory tract infection. The fact that I even have the strength to blog right now is incredible. Hats off to me. It takes a lot of courage to fight through an ailment like this, but I’m playing hurt because of my commitment to the game and the tremendous amount of heart that I have. I bet you feel like a jerk for calling me out for napping during the Bengals game now, don’t you? You should. And you’ve officially made my list. But I’m not going to let haters like you knock me off my game. Because I’m resilient and tough and frankly I’m just happy someone is reading this. Here’s this week’s #WUWW:

Continue reading

Wake Up With Whitty – 12/3/2017

Hello and welcome to a late afternoon edition of Wake Up With Whitty. And by “late afternoon” I mean that this probably got finished late Sunday night and then I backdated it a few hours. A little trick we like to use in The Biz. Keeps your loyal fans on their toes and helps you reach a whole new audience. It’s how I’ve become so successful. And now that you’ve had a sneak peak at how the sausage gets made, it’s time to focus on more important things, like how I’m pissed about the College Football Playoff decision and how I can’t decide if I’m going to pop in Home Alone on DVD tomorrow night or if I’m going to suck it up and watch my Bengals embarrass themselves on Monday Night Football. So without further ado, here’s Wake Up With Whitty:

Continue reading

Wake Up With Whitty – 11/26/2017

Hello and welcome to another edition of Wake Up With Whitty. It’s been a long weekend but it’s finally coming to a close. Most of you have probably been off since at least Thursday. I’m sure you ate way too much food over the past 3-5 days too (Side Note: If you’re one of those “Ham is a better Thanksgiving food than turkey” lunatics, please stop reading now. You’re not welcome here). You’ve either spent some quality time with family or spent time doing everything possible trying to avoid family. You spent hours watching football all weekend and maybe even slipped in a basketball game or two (I hear people are still into that these days). Hell, you may have even put up your Christmas decorations already. With all of that going on, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that you have to go back to work tomorrow. The week after Thanksgiving always feels like the longest week of the year, especially on Monday. So as the NFL games wrap up on Sunday, you’ll start to have the very sobering realization that you have to go back to reality tomorrow. And that’s easily one of the most depressing feelings ever. I can’t do anything to fix that, but hopefully I can at least offer you a brief distraction with today’s Wake Up With Whitty.

Continue reading