I Will Not Dip My Hamburger in Ketchup Like Andy Warhol

Let’s face it, the Super Bowl commercials sucked for about the 15th year in a row. I remember a stretch of a few years where the commercial breaks were filled with laughter and badass scenes that were shot well enough to be in a movie. Now we get a bunch of stupid shit with brands trying to be too safe or a million “Coming to CBS” promos. The Burger King Andy Warhol commercial made me angrier than seeing the Patriots win their 48th straight Super Bowl. Continue reading

I Think Someone at Arby’s is Trying to Poison Me

Today started out like any ordinary Wednesday. I hit my snooze button repeatedly on my Apple Watch before tossing on my L.L. Bean house slippers on my way to the bathroom. Should I take a nice relaxing bath to start the day or the standard 35-minute shower? It felt like a shower kinda day, so who was I to argue? It’s clear I’m a man of fine taste with a refined palate, so it was obvious what I was getting for dinner a short twelve hours later. Arby’s.

Who doesn’t love a big sloppy Beef ‘n Cheddar with a side of curly fries? Hell, I was feeling good so I even threw on an order of cheese sticks for the trek home. I had my night planned out: I was going to go home, destroy my feast from Arby’s, finish watching Monday Night Raw on the DVR and even clear out Smackdown Live if I could stay awake. Who knows, maybe even a little Goldberg’s action if I wasn’t ready to go to bed. Man, oh man was I in for a surprise.  Continue reading

Down With Burger King

I’ll set the stage for you. It was a beautiful day and I couldn’t even begin to imagine spending my lunch hour in my office.. Warm, sunny, slight breeze. Everything you want in a mid-February afternoon.

Before I get too far into the story I’ll address the elephant in the room. I know what you’re thinking, “surely someone with your highly sought after skills has an office with windows.” I do, in fact. I’m wall to wall with windows but not floor to ceiling. Something I’ll be sure to bring up when it’s time to negotiate my next contract.

After walking to my car I realized I didn’t have anything to eat for lunch, so I would just hit a drive thru on my way back from driving around town admiring the nice weather. It was too windy with the windows open so I had to settle for air conditioning inside the car rather than the lovely temperature outside. At that point I realized I wasn’t doing anything at all to enjoy the nice weather, but I was in too deep and decided to keep following the plan. After taking a few laps around the city, it was time to head back. I hit a crossroad, both literally and figuratively. Wendy’s and McDonald’s were both on the left side of the four-lane road I was driving down and would require left hand turns to head back to the office. Sure, there are intersections with lights, but no green turn arrows. So who knows how long I’d be sitting there, shoveling fries into my mouth, waiting to turn left. At that point my only two options on the right side of the road were Panera Bread and Burger King. I absolutely despise Panera Bread, plus I hate just about any restaurant that I have to get out of my car for. Burger King it is.

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