Mac and Whitty’s NFL Uniform Power Rankings (24-17)

Mac and Whitty have a lot of similar interests. One thing they almost universally agree on is what makes a uniform good or bad. In the spirit of the NFL Divisional Round Weekend, they decided to power rank the NFL uniforms. Each genius made their list, 32 being the worst, 1 the best. In the event of two teams’ rankings average being a tie, the city with the lowest elevation got the nod, because low man always wins. Here we go…

Mac and Whitty’s NFL Uniform Power Rankings (32-25)

24. Detroit Lions (Mac: 25, Whitty: 22)

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Mac: I always thought it’d be an upgrade when the Lions finally ditched the unnecessary black on their uniforms. I was wrong. While I still don’t like the black trim from years’ past, the overkill of the “LIONS” wordmark on the new uniforms makes me wish they just stuck with what they had. Oh well, it’s Detroit. We only have to watch them once a year on Thanksgiving anyway.

Whitty: The Lions have made some tweaks to the uniforms in recent years, but none of them have really been an improvement. They’ve made the lion logo more fierce looking (I guess?), which doesn’t really add to or take away from the uniforms, but I don’t like the goofy number font. I also could do without the “LIONS” written into the sleeve stripe. I think I’d like to see them go with something similar to the Barry Sanders era uniforms, but maybe with the new lion logo for a modern twist.

23. Los Angeles Rams (Mac: 23, Whitty: 24)

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Mac: I know I’ve already used the video game analogy for other teams in this post, but the Rams fit the description so well, I’m gonna use it again. This uniform reminds me of when you are mixing and matching helmets and uniforms form different eras on Madden. Which, ironically enough, is exactly what this is. LA wants to go back to the classic blue and white uniform that they used to have, but there’s only one problem: the big bad NFL and Nike won’t let them change quite yet. They aren’t eligible to change their uniforms until their new stadium is ready, which is still a few years away. So until then, we’re stuck with the weird, out of place gold accents.

Whitty: When the Rams decided to update their helmet after the move to LA, I think going with the white horns was a huge missed opportunity. The royal blue and yellow Rams uniforms were awesome, and whenever they’re able to change jerseys again I hope they go back to that look. They were unable to change jerseys this year, which may be why the opted for white horns. It looks fine with the white jerseys, although I’m not a fan of the contrasting sleeve color, and the thick white stripe on the pants feels weird. But when they have to wear their navy blue jerseys (which thankfully wasn’t often this year), it looks terrible, and that’s why they’re ranked so low on my list.

22. Carolina Panthers (Mac: 19, Whitty: 25)

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Mac: These uniforms just scream “our QB steals laptops”. Ok, we’ve had our fun, let’s get to business. Since they’re an expansion organization, I like the color combination. The blue and black contrast perfectly and the jerseys themselves don’t fall into the “we’re new and trying to look super cool and different” category you see some young franchises across sports try. Their helmet is a different story. I don’t understand the stripes. They would greatly benefit from going with a three panel (blue, black, blue) stripe down the middle.

Whitty: Normally I would say a black and blue combo would look pretty good, but this just doesn’t do it for me. I can’t stand the helmet stripe that doesn’t go all the way back, and I hate the pants stripe that doesn’t go all the way down. But as bad as these uniforms look, it’s still normally the best looking outfit that Cam Newton wears on gameday.

21. Miami Dolphins (Mac: 22, Whitty: 21)

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Mac: I am a fan of the teal and orange combination for Miami. It fits, it is a classic (relatively speaking) look for the Dolphins. However, there is only one problem. The new logo is absolute trash. I have no idea why they changed their logo and decided to switch to something that looks like a logo you’d see on an all-inclusive hotel in Cancun. Bring back the old logo and some sleeve stripes, and we’re cooking with gas baby.

Whitty: While there’s certainly nothing terrible about the Dolphins uniforms, there’s nothing great about them either. I normally prefer a simple uniform, but the line between simple and boring is razor thin, and I think the Dolphins may just be on the wrong side of that line. The jerseys could use some sleeve stripes, and I’m not a huge fan of the pants stripe. Updating the logo seemed unnecessary, but much like the Lions, I don’t feel like it does much to add to or take away from the overall uniform. I may start to sound like a broken record here, but if they dialed back the clock 10-15 years, they’d be set. 

20. Denver Broncos (Mac: 20, Whitty: 20)

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Mac: The Broncos are in desperate need of a new look. They have had the same look for way too long, and the pant stripes that continue up into the armpit is a template even high school teams and low-level college programs have given up on. The one saving grace for Denver in my rankings is that I’m a sucker for the blue-orange combo, especially now that they made the orange top their primary home uniform.

Whitty: 20 years ago the Broncos were one of the first teams to switch to a more modern uniform. 11-year-old me absolutely loved them. So much so that, even though I was a Bengals fans and had absolutely no ties to the city of Denver or its football team, I had my parents go out and get me a Broncos Starter jacket. 31-year-old me just shakes my head in shame. They have two of my least favorite uniform aspects: side panels on the jerseys and a pants strip that doesn’t go all the way down/wraps around the front. The look has also gotten a bit stale over 20 years, so it may be time for a refresh.

19. New England Patriots (Mac: 17, Whitty: 19)

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Mac: I’m no fan of Flying Elvis or the cheatin’ Pats up in New England, but their uniforms are ok by me. Their throwback uniforms are a top 5 contender, and would make a lot more sense being the “Patriots” if they were dressed in the classic versions of red, white, and blue. As soon as Brady leaves and they suck again (yes “Patriots fans”, your team used to suck back when you were 49ers fans), maybe they’ll do a uniform revamp to keep the fans from jumping on whichever bandwagon is chugging along.

Whitty: I don’t necessarily hate the Patriots uniforms (although I do hate the actual team), but I don’t love them either. The thin red lines down the side of the jersey give the faux side panel look that I hate. Lose that and change up (or ditch) the shoulder stripe, and the uniform improves drastically. Or, if they really want to get creative, just wear a bunch of cutoff Patriots hoodies. Any team adopting the Bill Belichick look in jersey form automatically lands in the top 5 on my list.

18. Baltimore Ravens (Mac: 18, Whitty: 17)

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Mac: The purple and black color combination isn’t something I’m a huge fan of, but the simple template makes up for it. If they tried a template like Atlanta, it would be a disaster. I’m not sure why, but I’m a sucker for the plain pants with the simple logo on the hip. Plus, they get bonus points for stealing Cleveland’s franchise.

Whitty: I’m not a huge fan of purple but I kinda like the way it works combined with black. The Ravens uniforms really aren’t that bad. I would have them ranked higher, but they lose points for the goofy number font, the half stripe on the helmet and for being a former Browns team. 

17. Pittsburgh Steelers (Mac: 21, Whitty: 12)

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Mac: As a person who despises the Steelers, I’m mad I can’t rank them 33rd. Not because I think their uniforms suck, but because I hate them with every fiber of my being. Looking at them objectively, I can’t really hate too much about their look. I’m a big fan of the classic look and the ability for an organization to not change their uniforms despite pressure from people at the NFL offices responsible for jersey sales. The main reason they didn’t crack the top 20 is because of their stupid logo situation on the helmet. I get the reason, I know it’s the way they’ve always been, but I still can’t bring myself to accept it. Logo on both sides or no logo at all. Take your pick, whichever Rooney hasn’t died yet.

Whitty: Due to my bitter hatred for the Steelers, I cannot provide an unbiased opinion of their uniforms. So I’m going to review the Iowa Hawkeyes uniforms and I’ll just deduct 5 points for only putting the logo in one side of their stupid helmets, since Pittsburgh’s uniform is just an Iowa knock off. The Hawkeyes have a pretty good uniform. Very simple, clean. A classic look. Not my favorite color combo, but certainly not the worst. I can’t stand their all black alternate though, and it’s not just because they wore those in the game that essentially knocked the Buckeyes out of the playoff. If not for that alternate, Iowa would be higher on this list. 

 

Dick of the Week presented by Milliron Sports

I know the week isn’t quite over yet, but I’m ready to call the fight in the race of this week’s Dick of the Week. It was shaping up to be a pretty tight race. There was a marathon runner in Slovakia. There was that asshole that cut me off on my way home from work yesterday (I know you fucking saw me when you merged into my lane, jerk!). There was a certain Yankee’s catcher whose package was getting quite a bit of attention last night. And of course there was perennial DotW contender, Jefe. Then along comes Cam Newton and makes my decision much, much easier. It’s only Hump Day but Cam Newton has the Milliron Sports Dick of the Week locked up.

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